enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel marginally better for having written a few words.

No need for sympathy. I am not begging for attention! I really should probably stop now and not say anything, take inspiration from BoXx and stay positive...

but I am me.

UGH.

I don't know what is wrong this week. Yesterday was OK, except for the fatigue, but everything else is going off the rails.

I haven't slept well all week. My stomach has been really off.

One of the petty annoyances is that I think I have a water problem because even with a switch of shampoo to a good one my hair feels sticky. I washed it twice today with different shampoos and still it feels awful. Not sure what is going on. It makes me grumpy though. I hate the feeling of not having clean hair, at least when I've actually WASHED my hair.

On another note, I was feeling paranoid about my job again today. My boss asked me to do some things that I'm pretty sure that I can NOT do, and this made me feel incredibly insecure. I felt like I was spinning my wheels all day, and then I started to get panicky about not accomplishing much this week. I don't know what to do about this, but I sure do wish that I had a job at which I felt as though I am simply...enough.

So the final issue is this: The mystery of M. Until about a month ago he had been writing to me often and cheerfully. And then it stopped and that was OK. So I sent him a quick note nearly four weeks ago and immediately got a typical and enthusiastic and nice reply, with an additional note saying that he would write more details again soon.

So after the comments yesterday I thought why not write a quick note? I wrote a quick note and have heard nothing back today.

It's really not a big deal. It's not as though I am stalking the guy. But I do feel sort of sad and also sort of embarrassed that I'm, well, lonely enough to be writing a guy who lives in ITALY. I don't know how to explain it. I suppose I feel sort of hollow. This must hark back to feelings that I generally have about being unloved, but at the moment I feel rather teary and sad. I definitely won't write to him again. I do hope that it's simply that he is busy or that he has met someone and is happy and doesn't want to write to me anymore - I do want him to be happy - but I also wish that I didn't feel left behind.

Ah well. I'm tired. I'm very tired. I've been tired all week. It's not good to think about these things when I'm in a state of fatigue.

I need to turn around my state of thinking, so I'm going to work on that. All of what I've just written is in the past, and the future is completely unknown. (It's a shame that I know so much about probability, really.) I must try to find some pleasure in this moment. This, in SPITE of my sticky hair. :)

I've been thinking of going out to the pub. C. is out with his football friends for drinks. S., my Czech friend, was supposed to call to take me out, but he is notoriously unreliable and always late. Even off by a day. So I don't hold my breath. So perhaps I should take myself. It seems as though going out might be a good idea. At the same time, drinking is never good when one is feeling as though there must be something wrong with one! It's not a nice feeling.

I suppose I could restrict myself to ONE Guinness. And who cares anyhow if I shed a couple of tears today. We wouldn't have tears if we weren't meant to use them. :)

Alas. As I said, I am not seeking pity. I'm just breathing it out. And breathing in and out and deciding the evening. :) It's very funny that I always have that De3siderata quote right in front of me, and yet I rarely listen to it: Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

Cheerio!

8:56 p.m. - 2008-08-01

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell