enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Every ounce of effort does it take when one is pretending. Which is why I need so much recovery on the weekend!

UGH. I've been having trouble sleeping for the last few days, which has no doubt affected my level of well-being.

I woke up at 5 a.m. today, in the midst of a dream about the senior economist registering my credit card on his bank account. Can you imagine that! Fortunately though I was able to fall asleep.

I think I really need to go to have that gluten test this week. I know, what have I been waiting for?

Well, it's the fact that my doctor has gone awol. I don't want to have to go out searching for a new family doctor, and going to wait at a clinic during the work day is a bit much. I think I'll have to grab a taxi and do it tomorrow though.

So I bought the pirate dress yesterday. I felt so guilty about it. I really shouldn't feel guilty for being employed and building up my stock of good dresses. (Believe it or not, this one really CAN go to work, since the shape and cut are tasteful.) But I do feel guilty. I feel guilty every time I buy something, as I've mentioned before, because my mother always attached guilt to things that she bought for me.

At the same time, I feel guilty because I know that I want to buy dresses right now because I don't feel entirely good about myself, and frankly I feel lonely.

It's quite stupid, because I know that I'm much happier when I am just happy with myself and don't feel that I need to look "pretty" in order to feel worthwhile. It's a negative loop.

I guess what I'm saying is that I want to break an old mental and behavioral habit. So I was lying in bed and decided that I will not allow myself to buy anything else until I go to Italy. And even then I will likely not shop. I'm going to try to simply restrain myself. It should not be too difficult.

OK. MOrning run. I'm going to go out for my morning run. Canada Day pictures tonight!

Have GREAT days, wherever you are!!!! Wish me luck in getting pumped up for work today. I really want to be pumped up when I go into work. It takes every ounce of effort in my being...

8:12 a.m. - 2008-07-02

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