enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just the seed.

Really, a crazy suck-it-out-of-me day.

Saw all of those people from my PhD days. Bad. Everyone wanting to know if I would go back, everyone wanting to know things, not wanting to know things.

Weird, weird vibe with the supervisor before the one with whom I dropped out. The previous one a good man. Seems he felt responsible for me. Unforch I ran into him when already drunk at the reception. Said stupid things. About nothing, really. But still, weird feeling of loneliness and longing and sadness and regret when I left him. Wanted to tell him that I was sorry that I wasted his time - he was good. He was kind to me. And I left him for that horrible woman.

Sometimes you want to spend more time with someone. You don't know why. It's a weird connection. You feel sad that life is what it is - everyone failing each other, not measuring up, not finishing things. There's such emptiness in things.

I don't know what I feel - badly about myself? Maybe like I cheat everyone in life, because I never live up to my potential. I always flit to the next thing. I feel like I'm a waste of resources. I have wasted so many of society's resources. I have been given everything. And yet I'm utterly inert.

Of course I'm also honest. Interestingly, I had this weird weird vibe from the vicious bitchy supervisor whose cruelty eventually convinced me to drop out - sheepishness. It was not me who needed to leave the room - it was her. She was shrinking. And the weird thing was taht at the reception a current, crappy student of hers said..."Are you Stephanie?"

And when I said, "Oh no!" he looked surprised.

"She's mentioned your work..."

So there you go. I honoured myself in every way, behaved honourably. It's all good. And yet I feel so poignantly sensitive at the moment. Every part of me is vibrating and I can't yet cry. I want something, and I can't articulate what it is. I want to feel something, find something intense and real...somewhere. Where is it? When will it find me? Why so little? When again? Will M. be there in September?

I'm small and sort of lost. Only not lost. But I feel small. I feel small.

12:10 a.m. - 2008-06-07

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell