enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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So maybe I should think more?

I'm having a rough day.

I'm not feeling well, for starters. Perhaps I should have stayed home.

But I didn't want to be a "chicken" and not face my boss.

The talk with him actually could not have gone better, in that he told me that my work has been of a top quality and that everyone likes working with me.

He told me that he'd be sad to lose me, but that he wants me to be happy.

I probably had been too forthcoming in that I am COMPLETELY honest and told him right from the start when he asked how I like it there that I think it is not the best match.

Anyhow. I guess that's that. I didn't tell him that I had a sure opportunity, but I did say that I had started to think in this last week that I would actually move. He didn't seem surprised, but then he's too smart not to have picked up on my signals. I've been pretty upbeat though, or at least I have been trying hard to be so. And really, what should I not appreciate about a good job, a trip to Vancouver, French training. I'm probably a complete complainer. Why cannot I ever be content?

And then that woman who offered me the job kind of ticked me off - no need, really, what did I think ? - in that she I guess went to be sure that the Director General was prepared to offer me a place and I guess the DG told the director that he had to meet with me first...so I don't actually have a "sight unseen" job.

But then again, what really did I think? The woman who offered me the position is pretty senior though, so I guess the first guy was willing to trust her word.

Anyhow. So I have to prepare my cv and then meet with the director. It's not a really big deal, I guess. It just felt better not to have to do those things. But maybe it's a message that I need to inspect this job more carefully, look around my own department, move to a position that will work best for me.

I'm really lucky to have such a nice boss. Most people would think that I am an idiot to leave a job at Line Dance that is so close to my house and so...respectable.

I must admit that I am starting to get scared, starting to get cold feet.

You know, I actually could cry right now. I feel scared in general. I feel scared for life. It's not a good feeling, and I know that it will pass. I've just had so much change, and I'm afraid of yet more. I wish I could just find my place. And then maybe I will be able to move on to other things.

I fear for one thing that I just want to change for change's sake, given that change and risk and upheaval are all that I have known for most of my life. There is something wrong with me.

Anyhow. As usual I will shed a few tears and I will take some sort of a plunge and then I will jump into some new thing. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be *worse*. Please, please let me be happy. :(

I got this email from M. just now that also made me so sad.

"How I wish I could watch a movie and relax!!! Instead, I'm still here working on the computer!

Tomorrow I'm leaving for the coast of Tuscany to scout for a multi-day tour in June with 4 people. I will be back in 2 days. I just wish you could join me and have a couple of wonderful fish dinners with me at the end of the day! I'm going to feel lonely...Once (when I was young...) I enjoyed travelling alone. Not anymore. "

Yeah, it's beautiful. I need to hold onto it. But it is not mine in a real way.

I'm really, really tired. I hope that this passes. I should get excited about possibly getting a new, more exciting job. Of course I'll have further to travel - 15 minutes biking in summer; 20 minutes running in summer. Hmm...Maybe I should stay where I am. I even get to get into work a bit late.

6:06 p.m. - 2008-05-26

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