enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Not quite digested yet.

Oh my god. It hurts so much, these experiences. So I hope you will forgive the fact that I am going to be completely, painfully honest in this post.

Why do I do these things to myself?

I wish I could explain fully, but I'm not sure that I have digested it properly.

And why is it that someone whom I could really have gotten to know lives so far away and has a complicated life?

Yeah, I know. Fantasies.

I really didn't want to get involved in any way. I didn't think that I would. But last night the strangest thing happened. I mean, I knew that we had a connection. On Wednesday when we went for the bike ride we had a really long drive to meet the couple at their hotel in the country. It was two hours each way. And on the way home especially, after a long way with the couple, we took our time. He wanted to show me some places in the country so we got out and visited these little auberges at whom he had friends working. We took a tour of an old mill that had been converted into a hotel.

And then of course we had that dinner and the evening above Fiesole.

So last night did not work out at all as planned. He got back here SOOOO late that there was very little time. He was tired, I was tired. I forgot to mention something important. This is that in the winter he is a mosaic artist. He trained as an artist. So I asked him if he had brought his portfolio to show me, as promised, and he had not. Instead, he drove me to a church on the face of which was a mosaic that he had made.

Honestly, I never in a million years would have guessed that he could do that. He confessed that he is not a believer in the strictest sense, but he had created the most beautiful mosaic for the face of a modern church. It was of a boat crossing the Arno into the sun, into the light. It was a boat that used to cross daily when he was a boy - a little boat, owned by one man - and that the priest did not want to forget had once existed.

And guess what? The rays of the sun spreading across the sky were like daffodils. (I didn't tell him that part.)

So it all doesn't matter now but after this I started to panic. There was nowhere to go and I was feeling kind of helpless. And of course that feeling of why, who, what, when that always traps me into my horrible thoughts caught up with me. I all of a sudden felt unworthy - ugly, boring, horrible. Someone wonderful would never really want to be with me if they could see who and what I really am.

And then I felt worse because all of the pain that I thought I had excised finally was there as big as before. And he could see it. He told me that I should have confidence in myself. But of course I don't and this is the most unattractive thing about me. It all unravels from there.

So things got even more complicated from there, but I'll spare you the details. There were only a few hours and he needed to get back to his tour so we slept for a bit, grabbed a bit of food. The traffic was too rushed and crazy to get back into town, so he dropped me off on the edge. I know that this made him feel very, very badly. I can tell that we are too much alike - on some level probably not believing that we are deserving to be happy ourselves, but rather feeling that we owe things to other people.

So I did the LONGEST WALK OF SHAME THAT I HAVE EVER DONE.

I mean, there was no shame in this. It was just that it was the longest walk in history in a pair of black high heels and a black jacket. (We had been scheduled to meet at a swanky bar at 10 last night, as I mentioned in my last post.) MY lord was I getting stares from tourists and locals alike. And I felt kind of bereft in a way, which made it that much worse.

I mean, this is mixed pain and happiness. The pain is really only that I exposed my lack of confidence, that I felt unworthy, unconfident. (And boy did I ever - I think I was the most unattractive jelly-like thing imitating a human, ever...which really isn't me so WHY does it come back all the time? Because I don't believe enough that one day something really wonderful will be waiting just for me?) I just can't seem to escape that weak, weak, weak version of me.

So I walked up a beautiful hill from where he had dropped me off, and then I walked halfway down this hill to a private spot away from the tourist lookout. I sat for a long, long, long time listening to the birds and frogs. I took some pictures of the landing place. There was a pond full of turtles. And then I walked the rest of the way back.

I guess the conclusion from this that should be taken is that every new experience is a new dry run at eventually getting it right - not compromising myself, being myself, finally seeing that I am OK and I am worthy. Living in the present - no past, no regrets, no anxiety about the future, and no anxiety about any flaws that I perceive in myself (physical or otherwise).

So I suppose that I should cut this off here. I was feeling physically pretty good but now am very tired. It is a wonderful overcast day - exactly right for my mood; every other day has been sunny - and I will try to make something of it by going out and through the city. Perhaps I will sketch in the garden.

I've already packed my bags for tomorrow. I'm definitely worried about the transfer in Paris tomorrow. It is a tight connection again and now that I have seen that airport I have the fear! But hopefully everything will go smoothly and I will be back to slowly, patiently - patiently with myself - building a reasonable life in Ottawa. And maybe, maybe, I will hope for a better life there than I have before.

I suppose it is just good to know that there are people out there with whom I can find a close match. In spite of the negative conclusion it is good to believe that there is a chance that one day everything will be aligned and I will not disappoint myself.

12:06 p.m. - 2008-05-16

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