enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Tooting my big horn!

Ahhhhh I can't even tell you how much I don't want to go to my spinning class today. But it's the 15th of 16 in the endurance cycling course and since I am being pressured by Amanda to still go on that cycling trip I should continue.

PLus, the teacher today will be that cute guy who was the competitive cyclist but who now has a pot belly. I found him kind of sweet and funny. Too bad I didn't wash my hair. I'm pretty grotty. It's difficult to justify washing one's hair before working out. But I didn't wash it yesterday - am trying to not dry it out - and so now, the second day later, it is very flat.

Vanity! Vanity!

Well yesterday I fought to the good fight in the sense that I'm on a mission to deal with my anxiety. It's like I had a revelation on Thursday. I realized that I've gotten *through* periods of anxiety before, but never really cured the root of the problem, come up with solid solutions. So I'm about to do that.

I ordered the recommended book. I called for a counseling appointment yesterday. Stupid world of efficiencies, they got me a telephone counselor. Gawd I hate the telephone. I don't want to talk to someone on the telephone. I'd be imagining someone doing something lewd on the other end. No, that's just not going to work.

So so so...I am going to fix this problem.

Yesterday, I went into the ring to fight without anxiety. And since my boss was away and the computer scientist is lazy, a question for a minister's speech bypassed the senior guys and came to me. I was a hero! I showed my brilliance, for once. I figured out that the question that they were asking was wrong. I got new data from another agency (all were amazed that my contact provided the info...because, you see, I am NICE to people and make them laugh so they like me and do stuff for me when I call them. Imagine that!). I then programmed a new model before the second in command even dropped by to tell me that we should get going on it. And then I came up with an answer and a number for the speech on a difficult problem.

The sad part is that when we finally presented the number to the senior chief in charge...the guy actually said, "Oh, is that what you did (methodologically). That's much better than I thought you were doing. Read: I expected that you were doing something stupid."

Asshole. I have never done anything for this guy before, or anything stupid for anyone else before in that job, so he has no reason to expect this of me a priori.

Sometimes, I hate men. I'm sorry to say it, but I do. Wankers.

Don't hate me because I'm attractive and dignified and also smart. :) Screw you if you don't like it.

That's all I had to say. I'm going to be late for spinning. I'd better put on my clothes/shoes and start running over there. :(

I"ll feel better when it's over. :)

10:03 a.m. - 2008-03-29

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