enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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creating my own mythology, dragging it from the ashes, once again...

Oh lordy. I've been hesitating writing. Can you tell?

It's the middle of the night and I'm so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open, but I needed to do a calming ritual of sorts before going to bed. So, I'm watching A Room with a View. I know, surprising.

Ah sigh. All I can say is that nothing has really changed appreciably in my life in the last two weeks and I went from feeling happy to feeling very intensely anxious and self-flagellating about everything.

Not sure that I can diagnose this. It's either that when things start to go smoothly I start to panic and then spiral back into some sort of self-bludgeoning mode, or that I've managed to suppress all of the stress and anxiety - pretend it away - for a while and even MY powers of containment and suppression are not strong enough to hold back the tide for long.

In any event, I DO know objectively that it is just a bad job that I have. I have a bad match. I do also know objectively that even were I to somehow lose said job and have to start over, I could do it. In fact, in a way, I've always been happiest when I have been starting fresh, facing a new day that seems to be full of possibilities. :)

So it would mostly seem that I am in a muddle and have NO IDEA what is going on with me. I think it's just that rut thing again. Why do I think that I'm making progress and then wake up only to realize that I am in the prime of my life and have spent yet ANOTHER year without a boyfriend, not to mention that I am not living to my values, creating value and worth with my actions?

It's all very puzzling and agrieving. In fact, I will label myself as being in high dudgeon. For what else can it be?

Anyhow. C. and I watched My Beautiful Laundrette tonight. I had gone to the video store after work and was gathering up three movies that I had seen before (they have a 3 day special on 3 movies that are not new releases) and decided that NO! I was going to stray and watch movies I have never seen before. I was feeling rather sad and sorry that I consume so much comfort filmage! :)

So I rented the movie on account of Daniel Day Lewis. And on the whole I must say that it was a disappointment. It is a mightily weird film. The 1980s musical bursts punctuating the rather strange scenes in general did not do it for me either. And I mean, what a dog's breakfast of a movie - a little bit of Thatcherism, a rather strange presentation of immigrant displacement and rage and betrayal, young fascists, an immigrant mob culture, and gay sex all in one! And, frankly, I don't like Daniel Day with a bleached pompadour. Bare chest OK. Ah well, a little bit of amusement.

Thank goodness for Puccini. Puccini is calming my grated nerves at the moment. Puccini is deliciousness in sound.

Tomorrow morning is spinning. And then unfortunately I must do some work this weekend. Ugh. And C. has a date with the girl he likes tomorrow night- I'm happy for him - so I shall be alone. A friend invited me to a movie tomorrow night, first thing this morning, and then called up to cancel as her husband is taking her away! I suppose that being alone will be OK. I will try to make this weekend fun somehow. Perhaps I will promise myself that I will take myself to the art gallery on Sunday, if I get my work done tomorrow.

And if all else fails, I can empty my bank account and work through Fifi's glorious list of favoured booze items, one by one!!!

Cheerio. Good night and good morning!! Have a wonderful day.

Tonight I have made my mind up that tomorrow I will be a blackwinged bird. The bottom-line truth that I must drill into my stubborn, distorted conciousness is that life is too short to waste any more time. This year must be a year of canoeing at dawn on misty lakes, riding my bicycle over hill and dale, solidifying my commitment to others, picking up my pencil and logging drawing miles every day. Every day. Every day must be precious. It seems that God and I might just need to have a small tete-a-tete. At least the 10% of me that still lingers in the room. :)

1:50 a.m. - 2008-03-15

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