enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Mumbling and estimating

Holy lazy me! I have done nothing today. Not even shower! I'm torn as to whether this is a good thing. :) I have to be available to run with my friend in four hours so I'm not sure if I can go anywhere. Perhaps I should at least try by going out shopping. I don't even feel like doing that. :)

I think sometimes that I need to accept that I just burn more hotly and brightly than other people when I'm "on," and that when I need to turn off I need to turn off. I need one day a week of "off." I think that's probably OK.

TOmorrow night I'm out at the group with the foodbank, anyhow.

Still, it would have been good to take myself out to the British drawings exhibition at the National Gallery. I've always loved that collection so much and this exhibition is of additions to that collection.

Sundays are the kind of day on which it would be nice to be "off" with someone else, i.e. with someone with whom to sit and drink coffee and read books in the sun. I'm already ready for the seniors home! :)

OK. Well, I'm questioning myself again and I told myself I wouldn't do that. I'm just going to be happy with today, with being me today. You know, it occurred to me last night when I was reading an interesting article about migraines that it's all about understanding yourself and the workings of your own body and mind. For so many years I was trapped in the idea that there was something "wrong" with me because I didn't always like the same things as did other kids. I used to think that I needed to hide who I truly was, as people wouldn't understand. I didn't like aggressive people. I always liked calm conversation with adults. I felt somehow that my emotional reactions to things were embarrassing. I learned to keep a tight leash on everything. We all must keep a leash on ourselves, I suppose. But the most delightful thing is starting to unroll itself in me in that I am gradually beginning to realize that being me isn't actually inherently "wrong." If I can continue to honour my feelings, understand my need for energy release and then rest, continue to live to my own values and standards...then it will all be good. I can be everything that I want to be. Mostly I can be a loving and caring person who is about acceptance and forgiveness. And that is great! That's who I want to be!

OK. SO when I woke up this morning - actually, sadly close to noon - for some reason I was thinking about my favourite things! I know that there is a diaryland list for this but I'd love to hear people's expansions. I invite you to describe your favourite things.

I was laughing when I was putting away my organic vegetable delivery on Friday night. You see, if I'm perfectly honest, my most dependably favourite food in the world is, in truth, carrots.

I'd like to have a sexier favourite food- I'm certainly in LOVE with pomegranates, good cheese, top-drawer seafood, etc., etc. My favourite "other" food items are definitely freshly-picked raspberries and freshly-baked bread and top, top, top quality olive oil from a little orchard in Greece.

But put some beautiful carrots in front of me and they are gone in ten minutes.

I often give some of my vegetable delivery for two persons to C. (A delivery for 2 persons is the smallest one can buy.) But I always have to tell him, "Clausy, sorry, there are not very many carrots left already!"

When I was a little girl I turned orange from eating too many carrots. I know I've written that before.

SO that's my crazy food confession.

My favourite movie is - bar none - A R00m with a Vi3w.

You know this already.

I don't know why it is my exactly perfect, most wonderfull-est, calming movie, but it is. I used to watch it on nights when I was nervous before a big race or an exam. I still watch it when I need a dose of serenity. It's the most perfect rendering of a book into a film that I know.

My favourite book. Tricky, really. I used to always say M!ddl3march and I mostly believe that that is true. The first time I read it I was so completely blown away by the voice of this woman living when she did. There was/is a whole world in that book. I was in awe of the talent it took to render it.

When I was lying in bed this morning I was thinking of why I like certain books and movies. It's mostly about feeling that I can recognize myself and my own response to the world in something that I read or see. I think that's what I get from George El!ot - a window on a soul who I think perhaps saw the world similarly. But it would also be horrible to exclude from the list of favourites the oeuvre of Jane Aust3n. It just wouldn't be fair. And of course there's The Raz0r's Edge, which gave me a certain kind of clarity when I read it. I mean, it let me know that there were pockets friendly to my feelings and ideas out there.

There are too many favourites to go on about. It's rather a ridiculous thing that I've started, as usual!

My favourite colour is undoubtedly green. This surprises me. When I was growing up I remember that my dad always disliked green. So I remember being convinced that I would never like it. Without a doubt, however, green is my favourite colour. I like almost all green things. Green is a restful, nurturing, deep deep deep colour. It's endlessly rich to me.

Hmm...

Silly.

My favourite item of clothing is without a doubt a dress. It used to be a skirt, since I've always had trouble fitting dresses exactly to my figure. I have small shoulders, in particular. But when I find the perfectly-fitted dress I am wonderfully happy. I like the simplicity of pulling on one piece and throwing on a pretty pair of shoes and being completely done. It makes me feel relaxed. If I could fill my closet with dresses I would. I even like to bicycle in them. But with shorts underneath, of course. ;-)

My favourite love song. This changes all the time. I was thinking about this last night. The two that came to mind last night were Pr!vate Univ3rse by Crowd3d House and My love is like a red red rose, sung a capella of course. Funny, non?

They'll be different next week. :) RIght now,I am listening to Puccini again. Divine. My heart swells! :)

And do you know what? I sat still and tried to think of my favourite painting just now. And I couldn't name one. There is no one painting that I can think of that on its own is the most compelling. I'll have to give it some thought. How interesting...It would have to be several paintings together to encompass the best feelings that I get from art - maybe a Manet like the one of the barmaid at the Folie Bergeres and a Turner landscape and a Gauguin and a Modigliani portrait. And a Monet seascape and a van Gogh painting of the stars. It is not possible to choose one.

Hmmm..This entry is dragging. I'm not at my best and sharpest today. My stomach is a bit unsettled. I think I need a cup of coffee and a proper meal. It's after 2. I'm going to have to figure out something useful that I can do with the remainder of my day. :)

Have a good one!

1:39 p.m. - 2008-02-10

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