enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I think I might be OK. :)

I have a tummy ache.

I'm sure that you weren't interested to know that. I'm not sure why.

Otherwise, I'm in a relatively good mood.

I got home rather late from work, so unfortunately I'm running short on time for writing tonight.

You'll be glad to know, in any event, that I've made a pact with myself to devote myself to providing a higher quality of writing here in future. Hopefully that will start tomorrow. :)

I'm trying to sort out now whether I have the energy to tell a funny story about something that happened to me as I left the office, but I think that that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Unless I get a second wind in a few minutes.

In other news, I should at least mention that last night when I was running up at the lake I was suddenly absolutely bowled over by a kind of inspiration. I mention this in a serious way, given that I haven't had this sort of a "vision" in a long time.

I honestly think that I am going to make a bit of a comeback as a runner.

In the vision I was competing again and aiming for international competition. And I had started my own athletic club in Ottawa - with a training style simlar to that of my beloved Vancouver club - for competitive runners to train in a sensible, healthy way. The training was done in the woods as it should be done, rather than on the concrete as is the case with that coach with whom I was supposed to begin running in the summer. (Incidentally, I wrote a nice note to that coach the other day to tell him that finally I had decided not to train with them, and I never heard back from him. I guess he is rather angry. I had told him honestly in July that I wasn't in shape to begin training yet, that I'd started a new job, and that I was going to build a base. IN other words, it wasn't just that I had taken off on him, although I did chicken out on telling him that his training is ill-advised. Read: idiotic. But I would never be so unkind as to say that.)

Anyhow. THat is it. I had this vision of me competing again and a calm washed over me. It was not a vision of competing on a crazy schedule but rather as someone eating well, getting lots of sleep, focusing on her job...and training as meditation, as personal nourishment.

I think that right now this is exactly what I need.

SO the plan is to get in good 10k shape to the degree possible by the time of the big race here at the end of May. And then over the summer I'll train for perhaps a fall marathon. GIven the layoff it will take at least a full year or a year and a half before I'll be able to run a competitive half marathon or marathon.

But that's OK. It's nice to rebuild; it's nice to have a goal.

I need to centre myself, and this is one journey - coming to it with a very different perspective than in days of old - that I think can remind me of important things about myself that I seem to have forgotten. Like that I've always charted my own course, and that the greatest personal contentment I have felt has come out of trusting my own and only my own intuition. In fact, it's the simple fact that ultimately all of the answers are inside us already, if we stop to look and look hard. I have a feeling that ultimately what my intuition - if I can trust it fully - will do is lead me in an unknown direction. I'm excited about the possibilities.

I think it's easy to forget the way to yourself. I don't know why that is. But life seems to get so burdensome and we get so shortsighted and narrow in our vision that we can only see the weight of now and yesterday and tomorrow.

Last night I was lying in the bathtub and for the first time EVER I noticed the weight of water. My arms were drifting up and floating and I felt the heaviness of the water beneath them. It was like I was still for the first time.

It reminded me of the way the world used to disappear when I would be lost in my heartbeat as I ran.

Incidentally, I *lost* myself for the first time in a long while in exercise, on Saturday in my spinning class. We were speaking about electronic music at the brunch and - not knowing anything about electronic music (I never listen to commercial music, nor do I go to clubs often)- I mentioned that I really like that song by D@ft Punk that mariastuart introduced me to. (I really do like it. I've danced around my apartment to it many times. It feels like the ultimate "get dancing" piece.)

So my teacher stared at me and said that it had played as we had been climbing on Saturday, and I never would have guessed. I had no clue. I'm relieved in a way that I can still go inside my body like that. It's just what I need.

I felt so calm and relaxed at work today. I attributed this to the running yesterday - the steady sense of purpose and deep breathing. I just don't know. But whatever works to get me settled in this job - even if it is only the dream of an after-hours escape. :)

So much for quality writing. :) Also, I really should have told the funny story. It was about a Barb@e-like lawyer lady whom I had never seen before and who accosted me in my office at 8 p.m. No idea why. It was a very strange conversation.

I always wonder the following when strange people decide to intrude on my privacy and talk to me when I am obviously busy: 1) Why me?; 2) Will I ever learn to say, "Why are you talking to me?!?!?!"

:)

THat sounds awful. But as this woman was talking to me about her lawyering skills and about how she thought she would lose her lawyering skills while working at Line Dance, all the while tossing her perfect Barbie hair, I was really thinking: Get out of my office, please.

I think she has a crush on our computer scientist, since she kept on talking about him. "Did you know that he studied MATH at university?"

(Ahem. What do you think the rest of us in the QUANTITATIVE MODELING DIVISION studied, exactly????)

Boy, this is becoming long and muddled.

One other bit of news is that I had decided this morning to join an end-of-May cycling trip from Ottawa to K3nnebunctport.

And then C. and I were talking about his dissertation and it seems that his convocation - if he ultimately passes - will be on the same weekend as the trip. So I can't commit to the trip. Doh! It's for the last week in May. Too bad. But it will be a wonderful, glorious outcome if C. passes and this is all over (the study stuff, I mean), and so of course I could never miss the wonderful convocation.

Besides, I think I would like to go there and smile sweetly at my horrible former supervisor. (The best revenge is living well, you know. :))

Ah sigh. I'm meandering again! Doh!

Also, going on the cycling trip was going to mean not spending the money on Italy, so perhaps this is simply a sign that I should book a week in Italy for April by myself. :)

I'm going to eat something. This sounds like an odd thing to do at 11:30 p.m. and with a sore tummy, but I think I need something.

Sleep well!

11:15 p.m. - 2008-01-28

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