enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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nothing much. a bit of hair.

You know, I really don't have much to say again today. Work seems to wipe clean the disk in my brain. Nevermind. I thought of something: The thing that I love most about online diarying is that I get to read about women and men who have very different lives to my own. I love this. It's rather thrilling to be party to the experiences of others. You always hear culture and technology commentators on the radio or tv talking about what a scourge blogging is in general, and how narcissistic and silly these people are. But I ask you: When were people ever not narcissistic? And when is narcissism really just a process of trying to figure out who one is, in the mirror hopefully held up by others? I actually think I've been given some interesting things to ruminate on in this online world, and that I've grown as a result of this process. :) Of course there's also the issue of likes sorting into groups of likes on the web, as well as in real life (with whatever unfriendly, exclusionary connotations this bears).

The sun is shining and I'll likely take myself for a walk, after the Sunday news program is done at noon. One can't get enough vitamin D.

So, the hair.

It always takes me time to adjust to a new 'do. I think that in some ways I prefer it messy short to the pseudo-bob that he put it in yesterday. (Not all of the layers are grown out to the point at which it can be a true bob.)

At the same time, a layered, angled bob is more sophisticated than my shaggy short hair, so I'll grow it a bit and give it a go. I can always go back to short. Someone told me that the short cut that I had had sort of a M3g Ry@n vibe, and I think that's about right. Maybe that's not sufficiently Line-Dance-y.

Now it looks like a cross between the older K@tie Holm3s (gosh Tom's hair is creepy, non?) bob (it's probably actually closer to this one)

and this cute cut from a Slovak movie I liked earlier in the year: O dve slabiky pozadu.

Now the hairdresser has posed for me the possibility of getting a few beige-blonde highlights. Do I dare? (rhetorical question)

Seriously, have you ever encountered someone so obsessively apprehensive about her hair? :) I might get some highlights, who knows. The funny thing is that I'm finding it wonderful to have pretty much completely my own natural base colour back, in spite of the fact that it is rather drab. Hair and the female identity - it is an interesting process.

Seriously, I have nothing else to say. Can you believe it? I stayed up too late last night eating roasted potatoes and fish. (Who makes fish and chips at midnight? Someone who spun too much yesterday, methinks.) I also watched P3rsuasion, since I'd fallen asleep with it on on Friday night. I fell asleep in my chair whilst watching it last night, too..

Hmmm. I think I should go and read something, or perhaps make some food. In a complete and utter copying of mariastuart, I'm going to take a picture a day of things in my life. I won't post the one from yesterday, but it was of a soft-boiled egg and buttered toast strips. Ever since I was a little girl that has been one of my favourite things. I still call them "dippy" eggs. Entirely a propos, non? ;)

OH, and I wrote a less high maintenance dating profile. I think I will get more hits. I sound downright chipper and fun in this one.

Imagine that. :)

Yesterday I was definitely thinking - clearly - that I simply have not been ready for a relationship. I must be honest with myself about this. Heck, I haven't even been ready for dating. I've been making it incredibly difficult for anyone who has even tried. I've set up a veritable obstacle course. It's kind of pernicious of me, really. What I need to do is to simply stop looking for the perfect guy. I just need to be open to whatever happens, to whomever happens upon me. I'm in no rush. Now that I've started to gradually come to terms with the idea of never having children, I feel each day more at ease with the idea that there is no rush, that I really don't *have* to look. I don't want to look. I want to live my life. I want to feel free and relaxed and happy. On these things I will focus.

It's not easy to admit to oneself that one is greatly in need of therapy re. relationships. :) What I've tried to do lately is carefully observe those around me who are also single women and who have been unable to find a partner. When you do this you realize that often when people proclaim that they are ready they are not actually ready. They have a list of criteria about a mile long and this list mostly links to the emotional barriers that they have set up within themselves. I don't mean this unkindly. I mean this as an effort at honesty, most particularly with myself. I see now that I've set it up so that any good, decent guy has practically had to fight a war to get into Fort EnfinBlue. Anyhow. That's it. I declare the overly particular search officially over. That's not to say that I'm going to jump at the first Larry 2 who comes along. Rather, I'm not going to focus on any meaning in dating. I'm going to just behave as I do with everyone else in the world, and try to *make it fun*, as I do with everything else. This doesn't have to be difficult.

And incidentally, much of this stuff that I'm starting to see and accept about my inappropriate ways and barriers has come about through listening to people through their diaries. It has been very helpful.

10:37 a.m. - 2008-01-13

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