enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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sort of a laundry list of pre-NYE thinking

I have to admit that I woke up feeling curmudgeonly today. Not in a terrible sort of a way, but in a good-humoured grumpy sort of way.

Why is it that we always have to get sick in the holidays? The answer is because we're responsible, and when we're fussing about with work and that sort of silly stuff, our bodies feel rotten but fight off the full effects of a virus.

But during the holidays, of course, when we have *time* in which to be sick, it all comes into bloom. I ALWAYS get a cold during the Christmas season. SOme years it turns into a terrible bronchitis. This year it appears to be a minor cold. But every year on New Year's, it seems, I have a sniffle. Why oh WHY?

Not that I'm going anywhere tomorrow night. And I'm OK with that. I suspect that I will have a drink with Dan and a drink with C., and possibly drop by the place of a couple friends whom I've been avoiding during the holidays.

I don't really mind not having a big party to go to, but at the same time I feel rather inclined to go dancing and drinking tomorrow. I feel like letting go. Me and my kleenex - if I can't fight this sniffle - will let it all hang out.

In all honesty though I hardly know where to go in Ottawa for decent dancing. I don't think there's any respectable selection. If I were really on top of things I would go to Montreal, but we all know that that is currently too much effort for me. Montreal does New Year's better than any other place I've been - most places eschew the silly Toronto-style $60-100 cover that sticks you in one place, serves you up a ridiculous smattering of bad appetizers, a cheap glass filled with champagne at midnight, and some tacky party favours. In Montreal you can party hop and dance, dance, dance. I've never had so much fun as that night of dancing with A. and his friends in the north plateau. Fabulous.

I was commenting to C. the other day in fact that I've recently realized that I've finally crossed the comfort threshold from my uptight anglo- Torontian all-feelings-suppressed upbringing and education, to feeling more comfortable in the franco-Canadian culture. That's a big transition. I didn't think it would happen. But I've finally loosened the corsets sufficiently that I'm a wanna-be Quebecoise. I mean, I've always admired my Quebecois friends immensely. I just never quite wanted to let loose and join them fully. That has changed.

Actually, among the lovely things about living in Ottawa is the loose border between the French and English here. Many francophones will argue that the French spoken here - at least in the neighbourhoods, not the halls of power - is not good, given that historically francophones were the servant and labouring class. I'm constantly arguing with A. that there are far more successful francophones in the public service than he is willing to own, particularly relative to their shrinking share of the national population. He'll never concede this point, although I do concede his that francophones, for obvious reasons, are over-represented at the administration level in particular.

I'm really meandering here, but I think my point is that Ottawa is at an interesting point in its development. The population is highly educated, and its mix brings together the largest relative group of highly educated francophone Canadians - not to mention those of other origins - in our short history. My three senior economists are all francophone or of francophone NB origins. Of course the director of the entire division and his right hand man are classic Upp3r Canada Coll3ge Toronto anglo dudes, but we won't go there. (As a woman they're not my favourite blokes in the country either, although they're handily beaten in my suspicion of them by my suspicion of men from parts of Alberta and B.C.) I don't even have to ask them if I'm correct. I just know. And if I've misjudged my director in particular on this point I'll eat my new dress.

Anyhow. The thing is that things are a-changing. Society is evolving, and the Canadian solitudes - at least here - are shifting. It's quite interesting.

So this New Year will not be a fabulously heart-stoppingly exciting one for me, but it ushers in what I think will be a much better period in my life. I've come a long way in the last year and there are many opportunities in this town to be exploited.

Last night I decided finally to unpack my art supplies. They've been in hiding for the last couple of years. I've placed them on a shelf front and centre in my living room. It feels great. Placing these things in my consciousness is the first step. I'm a slow mover but once I move I'm focused on my course. (Aside: As evidence of how completely nuts I am, however, as I unpacked I found a case in which I had hidden two valuable paintbrushes, to be used only on a special project. I mean, who hides paintbrushes from THEMSELF? I really do question my sanity sometimes. And when I thought about it - all of these sketchbooks and brushes and conte sitting idle for years, packed away - not now - I thought: "What a waste, silly girl!" I also noticed the small 3" by 1" sketch that it took me several hours to make in Rome, but that I laboured over, because I hate it when people look over my shoulder when I draw and so spend most of my drawing time being sereptitious and self-conscious, hiding the sheet whenever I can. Next time I go to Italy - hopefully in the spring, if I feel good enough about the money - I will not be this girl, for a change. )

C. and I were also chatting briefly yesterday after our trip to the market. I was sitting on the floor of his apartment. (The ding dong always has his sofa covered in papers and frames and whatever else.) I was trying to encourage him to usher out all negative thoughts for their inability to spur productivity, in this last push to finish his thesis. We're going to work together to keep his mind clear, relaxed and focused.

At the same time we decided - as I had already done - that the clear course for me with my job is to reduce my expectations. All that I can do is do my best, stay serious and focused, and not assign to much of a "meaning" to it.

I made a kind of mistake in taking that job, but what's the point in thinking about it? I would be making more money and doing something at which I am better suited had I stayed at my old department. My meagre budget and worries about money -given debt that I am focused on paying off in the very short term - have quite a bit to do with this.

But at the same time I was attempting to focus on short term pain for long term gain. As long as I keep my head above water at this job the prestige and professional growth will exceed what were available at my previous department. I know that. And as for the people - I'm just not going to think about how different we are. What's the point? I don't have to be buddies with my colleagues.

So there you go. I don't know exactly what my point was here. I suppose it was that I am sniffly and so grumpy, but still thinking rationally. No worries. It will all move along.

I actually made a list last night. I'm a huge advocate of lists. I made a list of all of the things that I want to do in the next couple of weeks - places I want to check out (the Y for spinning, a couple of art galleries, a yoga studio). I made a pact to go to a couple of specific literary events. I made a list of things that I'm going to read, knit. I made a plan as to the Childr3n's Aid placement that I am going to request for the winter (location was a problem, given that I don't have a car and leaving work early is not an option).

It's good. Lists.

I don't have any particular problem with resolutions. I'm not sure if I did in the past. But who cares about the past, anyhow?

I think if there's a resolution worth making, and somewhat easy to keep, it's to keep joy longer in the New Year. You can tie this to seeking more of it, but even if not just learning to notice, embrace and savour joy is such a great goal. No?

:)

OK. Time to do stuff. I should shower and dress and go somewhere. I only have four days of holiday left :( and I want to make the most of them.

11:56 a.m. - 2007-12-30

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