enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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making amends

Well Fifi is genius again!

All of my problems are solved:

I will make my own Christmas amazing. Why hadn't I thought of it?

I'm seriously, sadly questioning what happened to deflate my enormous imagination. I mean it used to be ENORMOUS.

Though I will confess that the computer scientist with whom I was working today on a program said to me at one point, "You're the most verbose person I have ever met. You find everything interesting. You're imagining interesting where it doesn't exist."

I mean, I took this to mean that he wanted me to stop asking questions, remarking on how this or that was like this or that other thing and therefore interesting.

I have heard this before.

But the verbosity thing was...well, unkind.

I felt like pointing out to him that the more I figure out what is going on now, the less I will be running to his office to ask questions or to try to get him to fix things. I am trying to learn everything myself. I always learn all of the details. It's my way. It pays off, eventually.

And in general I am actually quiet, respectful and a good listener, except when it is appropriate for me to enter the conversation and engage. I know that I am not an out-of-control talker.

But I did feel badly. I felt as though I am not understood.

It's a feeling that I've had frequently.

But what do I care about the opinion of a guy who told me that 1) he only really likes women for their looks; 2) he hates it when his girlfriend calls him up and actually wants to tell him something that happened to her, questioning why she can't "just talk to one of her girlfriends."

That's what I call getting cheap sex.

Actually, come to think of it, I've learned to not talk to the men I date either. It's not a good choice.

The world seems to evolve to this: silencing.

I often think about the ways in which people are silenced. I think in part that this is why I strive for honest confession, whilst trying to temper it by not expressing things that will make people seriously uncomfortable (e.g. at work).

Lots of times in the world I feel trapped, trapped in pretending. I think it's why I have a diary. I find myself lowering my voice now in the office when I need to ask a question that reflects my lack of understanding of a problem. It's sad that this becomes so.

EEW. I'm veering off again into gloominess. I don't mean to do that.

My sincere hope is that the spinning class will lift me up tomorrow. I hope it revs me up sufficiently that I will then do other interesting things tomorrow. My only other plan for the weekend is brunch with D. on Sunday, and possibly cooking with C. tomorrow night. (We skipped tonight.)

ANd of course I plan to BUY MYSELF PRESENTS tomorrow, at Fifi's orders. :) It's a perfect plan. I don't know why I didn't think of it. And I will buy the rosemary tree. It's all lovely and I'm genuinely appreciative of the thoughtful advice.

OK. Enough of boring updates of my moves. I will write something interesting tomorrow. Promise. I anticipate interesting emerging from spinning, or shopping, or something else that I will spontaneously do.

My apologies for the dreadful gloom. I do not mean to suck energy from other people.

10:05 p.m. - 2007-12-07

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fifidellabon
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