enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Oh I'm so tired I feel like I could fall over. I think I haven't eaten enough.

After work I went to the mall to Christmas shop. I like it when it isn't busy. And I didn't buy a thing. Nothing appeals at all. So I wasted time. But really I was simply there to be inside my head and not have to go home, open my knapsack, see my papers, even hear C. on the phone. Every day I just feel so alone in my stupid job.

But I'm going to try to stop that.

I'm also feeling quite unattractive, frumpy right now. I feel as though no one can possibly be attracted to me. It's not a good feeling. I feel like I look frumpy in my ill-fitting coat, my clunky winter boots.

This is all stupid. I must dress for the weather. I am not 25 and ready to freeze in a short coat and slippery high-heeled boots. It's all so silly.

And in any event, how attractive I am really has little to do with my clothes. My clothes are just fine. I shouldn't obsess.

T. has been correct before - I'm neurotic! :)

So I think I should shut down the computer and read a book or something. Something productive would be good. And I have a super-giant craving for baked beans so I think that those will make dinner! :)

OH! Oh! Thanks, Fifi, for offering to help with the profile. There is no template - only a limit of 2000 characters. One needs simply to write a few paragraphs. I'm sure that I come across as a real weenie. I tend to go right for the essence of what matters to me, hoping that some like-minded person will happen on the profile, when really most guys will be turned off by this. The big thing is that I simply don't want a muscley motorcycle guy with bad spelling who likes to play pool and watch the Sens. I like these guys - when I run into them in a sportsbar or on a road trip or at a summer corn roast. Otherwise I don't want one as my boyfriend - too reminiscent of Larry.

And I want a smart guy with education for a boyfriend, but not the C3cil Vyse type, if you know what I mean. When I write a particular profile in my particular style I seem to get exactly this type. And they usually have the worst possible grooming (comb overs and such). I'm sure that they're great but I can't even bring myself to meet them. Some guy with such an appearance wrote to me yesterday. He declared that he had 17 years of university education (Dude, couldn't you find something ELSE to do with your time?), and yet he mispelled occasionally in his profile. I know, I know, spelling does not make the man. I can't help myself - spelling nitpicking is one of ugly traits.

I want to find some middle ground, which is the ground occupied by me most days.

Part of me thinks that I should simply write a profile that is all attempts at wit and silliness. But then some decent, normal guy is unlikely to be attracted to that. UGH. Not feeling so hopeful anymore.

OK. I will cease to bore you any longer.

9:26 p.m. - 2007-11-26

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