Photobucket

enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lists, lists, lists

It's 11:40 and I'm avoiding going to bed...because when I wake up there will be work!

ACK!

I ran slowly along the canal tonight and did some thinking.

(And also tried to clear my mind of the guilt that I felt after buying a pair of the most soft, supple, gorgeous and rather pricey boots that I have ever bought. UGH. Not feeling good about spending the money. But I'm trying to view them as an investment piece that I will get many years of wear out of. They are classic and ladylike and I will only wear them indoors. I suppose I was inspired by all of the elegant ladies at the dance performance last night.)

Anyhow. NOw that the guilt rant is out of the way, I'll talk about the run.

The run was nice. I stopped a few times to look at the ice forming on the canal, and to imagine skating on it again in a month or two. It's such a delightful thing to have right next to my neighbourhood. There is a patch of it that sinks beneath the road as it comes to the lake, and one can feel hidden by bowers there. I focus on the ducks. At the lake I ran all the way to the chalet, and on my way back stopped and sat on a park bench and looked out in the darkness over the lake and into the woods on the other side. It cleared my head somewhat.

On the way back I was thinking about the girl with whom I'd had the conversation at the party today. I was saying things out loud to her about how I think this is a good bad experience that I'm having in my life right now, in that I think it will break up things for me.

I need to have things broken up. I need to have patterns shattered.

First, the guilt. No more guilt!

Second, the investing myself so much in work. WOrk is important and I should be "on" from 9 to 5 (more during budget preparation), but the rest of the time I should be out the door and on with my life. I lingered so much at my last job in part because it was easy to linger. It's tough for me to have the time to fill, for I"m afraid I won't have the guts to step up and fill it.

Tricky.

So the oddest thing tonight: I tried on the two dresses that I have in my closet that are suitable for Christmas parties. They're kind of dated. And here's something I CANNOT figure out: They seem to be looser on top than they were when I bought them in 2000 and 2003. This is rather strange as I was running 100 miles a week then and now I am running...20 miles per week. I don't think I've been losing extraordinary amounts of weight, but it seems nevertheless that I am shrinking. EEK! I don't want that.

So my new goal is to start to make lists, a map of what I'm going to do with myself.

I'm thinking that learning to write might be a good thing. Perhaps I should sign up for a creative writing course, or read a book on the subject, or even sign up for an editing course. I've never done any such things, but why ever not begin?

And of course there is visual art - the love that dare not whisper its name. I need to find a course. I just haven't found anything satisfactory to this point. I'm quite a snob on this front, I'm afraid. If I don't like the artistic style of the teacher I'm unlikely to be interested in his or her teaching. This is silly as these teachers in theory are properly trained in the elemental stuff.

So far this week my super list has not extended to any creative adventures, unfortunately, but rather only to going to more movies at the EU film festival. It feels like a bit of a cop-out as this is NOT a venue for meeting new people. But I feel so much comfort sitting in the auditorium of the National Arch1ves that I can't help myself.

I must learn to help myself. ;)

OK. I need a snack before jumping into bed. I really need to jump into bed. I need to hit work on fire this week.

OY yoyoy

Progress is being made: I think I'm making some interesting, kindred-spirit-like friends. This is very satisfying. C. even gave me some "treats" when I stopped by his place on my way home from my run. He had invited me for treats -his mother always sends crates from Germany - though the stinker as usual kept on closing the boxes and rationing me to a tiny bit. Who invites someone over for treats and then closes the boxes on their fingers? ;) I like to tease C. about this. When I left though he asked me for a couple of hugs. I think he's getting really stressed about finishing his dissertation. I'm glad that he's starting to feel some pressure to finish, finally, but I'm sorry that he feels not great.

OK. I've eaten up my last few, free minutes. Oh the sadness. I think I'll drink an ounce of wine to fortify myself. Good grief, eb - not liquid courage already!! :)

Oh PS: I REALLY REALLY need help with my online dating profile. I think I have the worst one ever. I sound like a 19th- century school marm, I believe. Ahem. I suppose somewhat like in my writing here at times. How does one present onself as fun, without attracting guys who will say as one did last week, "Wanna meet me for some casual s-x?"

Seriously, the quality is SOOO bad. Hence my current dating moratorium... ;-)

|

11:40 p.m. - 2007-11-25

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

Come al solito - 2011-04-16
unfettered spending - 2011-04-15
How does it go? - 2011-04-14
Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13
bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08