enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Paranoia reigns!

Dinner today at the poet scientist's girlfriend's condo.

I feel quite stupid now that I accepted the invitation.

I had thought that she liked me, as she had invited me to do a number of things this summer. And then she didn't follow through on any of them.

So I'm wondering now if the poet scientist himself has said or done anything to make her feel uncomfortable about having me around.

I certainly don't flirt with him. I completely respect and honour their relationship.

I accepted the invitation as I think that they are both incredibly interesting and I anticipate an incredibly interesting evening with five others of their friends, whom I have not met. I feel appreciative to be in their company.

Still, I have an uneasy feeling about it.

I don't want her to think in any way that I am trying to weasel my way back into his affections. And I know that he retains some affection for me and that it shows.

I made a mistake.

Oh well. I will dress like a quaker, take my wine and loaf of bread and then part shortly after dinner. Eek.

I don't like this at all.

I trust my intution, although at this point I might simply seem to others to be paranoid.

Perhaps I'm projecting onto the situation something that doesn't exist.

I don't know. I feel for this woman. He told me when we had beers a couple of weeks ago that "she is head over heels for me," and that he "didn't want to make a mistake," in reference to her suggestion that he move in with her.

At the same time, he seems very happy with her. I know, I know, he was miserable last year in light of plummeting of his self esteem during the end of his marriage and his difficult divorce.

And I have a feeling that the girlfriend is self-conscious because she is quite a bit overweight. She's trying to prepare for a marathon right now and each time I've met her I've tried to encourage her when she has spoken of it (without sounding patronizing). I can only guess that this is impacting the situation. I hate the fact that women feel badly about themselves when they are heavier than other women. I just hate it. There's no problem, really. Only I can tell that the poet scientist isn't super-attracted to her from a physical standpoint. UGH. Why do I know these things? Why do I sense these things? It would be so nice to be like C and to be completely oblivious..

Neurotic, I am. Paranoid, I am. But I still think that I have something here. And it's needling away at me today.

The thing is though that I've canceled so many times on the poet scientist that I feel that it would be too much to cancel now, four hours before the party.

OH the things that I get myself into..

Off to the store to buy some socks. It's that time of year again and all of my socks have holes. :(.

1:16 p.m. - 2007-10-08

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