enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I need sleep. I should never drink. I should work hard. I need to get back on track in my life.

I've had a few beers tonight and I am crying the tears of dumb girl shame.

I went out last night with the guy, since he called me and wanted to talk. I was curious, since we hadn't talked since the "dumping" email a week before. At least I thought I was curious, and it turns out that I really had hopes and expectations.

Why am I so desperate to be needed and loved that I would have hopes and expectations from someone who clearly does not value me.

He said he likes me very much, that he values me. But the evidence wasn't there. And I took the little that he gave and I walked away from it with a shred of hope.

And tonight my friends convinced me that I should not get back together with a guy who walks away like that, that it never comes to good, that he's clearly "not that into me" (I hate that damn phrase). So I sent him an email telling him not to contact me again (he'd suggested drinks next week). And now I'm a waterfall of tears and I feel so pathetic and unwanted and sorry that I don't even have the discretion to spend my time and energy more fruitfully. At the very ripe age of 36.

I feel brokenhearted. And not brokenhearted over him but brokenhearted ove my own lack of self-respect.

So I was out with friends tonight and they had along with them an incredibly fascinating biologist and also a doctor. The doctor was clearly really into me and kept staring at me and talking to me. And then I found out that he is...married.

Can I cry a little bit more now. I mean, I don't say this because I was thinking, "Oh great--a doctor likes me," but rather because "Oh God, is there not one normal, decent man out there who will like me and not make my skin crawl."

I'm going to get into bed now and soak my bed with tears. Tears of shame, mostly.

3:27 a.m. - 2007-02-17

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