enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I need sleep. I should never drink. I should work hard. I need to get back on track in my life.

I've had a few beers tonight and I am crying the tears of dumb girl shame.

I went out last night with the guy, since he called me and wanted to talk. I was curious, since we hadn't talked since the "dumping" email a week before. At least I thought I was curious, and it turns out that I really had hopes and expectations.

Why am I so desperate to be needed and loved that I would have hopes and expectations from someone who clearly does not value me any more than he would value a discarded piece of trash?

He said he likes me very much, that he values me. But the evidence wasn't there. And I took the little that he gave and I walked away from it with a shred of hope.

And tonight my friends convinced me that I should not get back together with a guy who walks away like that, that it never comes to good, that he's clearly "not that into me" (I hate that damn phrase). So I sent him an email telling him not to contact me again (he'd suggested drinks next week). And now I'm a waterfall of tears and I feel so pathetic and unwanted and sorry that I don't even have the discretion to spend my time and energy more fruitfully. At the very ripe age of 36.

I feel brokenhearted. And not brokenhearted over him but brokenhearted over my own lack of self-respect, self-direction, self-control.

So I was out with friends tonight and they had along with them an incredibly fascinating biologist and also a doctor. The doctor was clearly really into me and kept staring at me and talking to me and telling me that I am beautiful and smart and compelling. And then I found out that he is...married.

Can I cry a little bit--a great deal-- more now? I mean, I don't say this because I was thinking, "Oh great--a doctor likes me," but rather because "Oh God, is there not one normal, decent man out there who will like me and not make my skin crawl?" And he was funny and sweet and wasn't wearing a ring and I wasn't flirting with him and expecting anything... it just happened.

I'm going to get into bed now and SOAK my bed with tears. Tears of shame, mostly. So many tears of shame. I'd write despair but that would be wrong and giving too much credit where it is not merited. Even it if it somewhat true.

3:27 a.m. - 2007-02-17

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