enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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a quick evening hello and adieu

I am healing, slowly. I said goodbye to the computer scientist today (good move, though I feel a bit of withdrawal coming on, naturally). A friend (let's just call her 'Hurricane Cynthia') is driving up for a visit tomorrow--if she can master the directions. (To explain this last remark let it suffice to say that I felt it necessary to write a quick correction to her when I realized that the fire number on the cottage road for our house is on a blue and not a green tag.)

Not eating much but soup for three days causes a person of my broad appetite to suffer dearly, so today I compensated by eating plenty of ice cream with butterscotch sauce. I think I will return to the kitchen and repeat, shortly.

I really need to get back to my econometrics review. The job is creeping up--less than two weeks to go--and I am in a panic about hitting the ground running. I seem to spend my life 'winging' things. If I could seize back all of the time that I have squandered in worry and on stupid, stupid boys...and apply it to fruitful activity, I might actually have achieved something.

In my drugged haze of the last couple of days I have ascertained one or two things. The least important of which is that it is extremely pathetic to dream dreams in which one is concerned that one needs to update one's tetanus shot. (Couldn't I at least be more interesting in my dream life than in my waking one?) The most important of which is that I am going to take my economics thesis and try to turn it into a history PhD. It is impractical to do this and I may end up sidetracked by a job I love in the next couple of years, but this is what I should have done all along. I was meant to be an economic historian working in a history and not an economics department. I traveled a long and winding road to admit this to myself, but I believe that this is the truth.

The truth is difficult to come by; it is, at least, for me.

Of course I may just decide to follow a whim and become something entirely new and different. One just never knows. There are so many things to do. I'm endlessly excited by the possibilities. I do realize, however, that the key will be to pick one thing and then to apply the focus to it that was long applied to my running. It shouldn't be so difficult to master this act, or at least to maneouver towards it. I'm waking up all of a sudden and realizing, however, that I have, instead, lived an extremely prolonged adolescence. I'm more than a little bit ashamed of this.

7:59 p.m. - 2006-08-25

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