enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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please excuse the grogginess of this note!

The surgery went very well; in fact, I have not taken a painkiller since the middle of the night and seem to be on the mend.

Leave it to my dear mother to have the best, most efficient oral surgeon on the planet. It's quite an odd thing. We live in the middle of the bush and had to drive almost two hours to get to the small community in which his clinic operates. Littering his walls, however, were awards from his alma mater, the University of Toronto. Everything moved like clockwork there, and his team was fantastic. As my mother had foretold, the surgery was all of fifteen minutes, I spent 30 minutes in recovery, and then she dragged a groggy me to the car.

So, I didn't sleep terribly well last night, but barring any infection--for the prevention of which I already have antibiotics, since some of the tissue under my teeth encouraged this (sorry, TMI)--all should heal well. It is true, it was good to have this done before work begins. Lesson learned: My habit of avoidance of most things unpleasant must be crushed! (Really, I ask myself this over and over again: Why do I waste time mulling and waiting? This year is going to be a return to living agressively. I think I both mean that and have the impatience to go through with it.)

So the other news is that the computer scientist emailed me yesterday. He essentially said that he had been thinking about me all weekend but that he had decided to wait to contact me once I am arrived in Ottawa. Of course, the old adage 'Be careful what you wish for' applies here. I'm sort of lying when I say this, however, since it will be good to have some proper closure. The thing is though that once I received the email my attraction to him felt appreciably diminished. Why, I wondered, had he left me dangling if he is not generally a gigantic weenie? I tend to be abrupt in judging people and so I should perhaps give him a little bit of leeway. At the same time, the question is always "Do you see yourself having a mature, sufficiently open relationship with a guy who clearly hedges?"

Um, no.

I hope to god that I have the good sense to stick to my resolve on this one. There are more than enough single men in Ottawa to keep me busy, otherwise. I mean, I'll be working in a complex with something like a few hundred of the creatures (by my best calculation). Of course most of those will be statisticians or economists. Deleting the economists from consideration is a good idea. I know what they are all about. :) Statisticians are not always unappealing, however. And I know this sounds lame, but...I find that guys who pay attention to really picky detail in their work...carry this through into other pursuits. :) And they're too cautious to make grand statements about the state of the world--unlike me--which I also like. They use serious analysis in confronting every decision. But then so do economists. Economists rarely smile, though. Seriously.

Back to the computer scientist for just a moment...The thing is that I was not attracted to him on first meeting. I felt more attracted to him during subsequent time spent with him, although I question myself signficantly on this one. I know in part that I was projecting the feelings developed through our correspondence onto his physical person. That's good and bad, I suppose. I firmly believe that attraction can grow. But I do worry that I guilt myself into liking men who are less attractive than those I could easily date. I have a bit of a complex in wanting to be fair and open-minded. Too, I know that it's really conversation and relating that make a relationship grow and sustain itself over time, not physical beauty (provided that sufficient physical lust grows out of the whatever that happens between people).

I sound so incredibly sad and pathetic. So I'll stop.

I'm going to be a truly bad convalescent today and spend it studying statistics. I should be begging to be waited on hand and foot! I should be groaning and moaning and begging for attention! Actually, my spectacularly organized mum has been preparing goodies for me and will undoubtedly continue to do so when she returns this afternoon. I'm really rather spoiled, already.

In short, I am calm. I'm beginning to look forward to meeting the History Ph.D. and the crown attorney in person. As I mentioned the other day, the crown attorney is wickedly funny and seems to have had diverse life experience. I haven't yet seen a picture, which should perhaps be a worry, but I don't get the sense from the way that he has handled the correspondence that he is lacking in confidence in himself. And he's a beautifully bilingual francophone with a gorgeous name and I like those things. He even wants to run with me, in spite of his suspicion that "I can probably run him into the ground." Well, yup. But great of him to want to do it nevertheless. Genuine points are apportioned for that. The wish is rather rare. And really I love to run with other people, as long as they can just enjoy the run and avoid competition; I'll slow down to whatever pace works for both of us, happily.

That's it, I think. I move one week from tomorrow and it can't come too soon. I desperately need to do some shopping. The woods are lovely, but...

8:47 a.m. - 2006-08-24

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