enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Apparently, since I had a young mother, I may live to be 100! Yippee??

I have a weird injury, but I don't have anything deeply serious wrong with me!

(Well, apart from the obvious.)

Yesterday's mourning of S. and the past was weird, but obviously today's good news--that eventually I will be running again, after the joint has rested and recovered fully (actually joints, but that is another story)--has provided a positive counterpoint.

So the funny story is this: I was in the doctor's office and the doctor came in (and I was loving this sports doctor more and more since with the crazy tie mismatched to the crazy shirt that he was wearing again today--no crazy pants, fortunately--I realized that that is just his geeky schtick (and we all know I love geeks :)), but with an attendant. I thought, "Oh my god that's my grief counselor-- I must have cancer or something else terribly wrong with me!!!"

But then I realized that it was only a student and he was cute anyhow and what did it matter who was there and why?

So when we got down to business, the doctor started talking about uptake here and uptake there and how the nuclear med people wouldn't come out and say that it was a stress fracture but that there was definitely something wrong in two spots in my pelvis...blah blah. (Well, I knew that already--it hurts in two parts of my pelvis and I can't lift my leg without discomfort, but I digress.)

And then he was showing me the bone scan results on the computer and we were talking about my calcium intake and so on and so forth and he asked me at the same time where the pain had been when I first came in and...I totally just randomly dropped my skirt to show him. I mean I knew that I had my bike shorts on underneath, but it didn't occur to me that it might seem a bit weird for my skirt to be down in a puddle on the ground with two doctors standing there watching me do it. I just wasn't thinking--I was too excited about the fact that it seemed that I wasn't dying! I hope they had a good laugh about it afterwards at coffee--in the way that I imagine doctors do when they have coffee, as we all do.

So there you go. I embarrassed myself in front of my doctor(s) today. But what a great day! I'm very relieved, since Dr. J. in Toronto last week was a bit concerned about what could possibly be going on.

In other interesting news, I realized last night what I lost when I gave up on A. He's now in a new relationship and he claims that it is the best he's ever had. I'm happy for him--the girl is also francophone and I really liked her when I met her at xmas (when he was still attracted to her from afar). Frankly, I thought she was too stylish to go for him, but a diplomat soon to be based at the U.N. is sometimes difficult to resist.

But then maybe she also saw in him what I should have seen in him all the time: his kind heart. He's always been a tough guy to read and his sense of humour is deeply buried and I really think he has commitment issues with women (he's always looking for someone better), but last night as he was walking to the restaurant in New York to meet the girlfriend he called me on his cell phone. And he called me just to tell me that he is there for me and that I can call him at any time, ever--that his cell phone will be on in New York and that he wants to hear about my tests.

I had to choke back the tears as we chatted and he walked and he reached the restaurant and he could see her in the window.

You see I'm not very good at making decisions, though I know that regret is useless. I'm not good at letting go, either. Not at all. Sometimes I feel as though my heart will ache so much it will fall out of my chest. Through my pelvis ;).

3:30 a.m. - 2006-06-27

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