enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Bad, bad move. Back to square one.

Stupidity alert: very juvenile entry to follow, one that a more sensible person would keep to herself. How old am I, exactly?

I just did a really stupid thing. Somehow, in my conversation with the professor this afternoon (who mentioned, finally, that he has had health problems), my ex-boyfriend came up. I thought about him very nonchalantly--I haven't thought about him in ages--but then I decided to google him and it began again.

Well, that's not exactly it. Began again is too strong. But I felt a pang. I'm going to do something even more stupid by posting this (he's the one on the far right): here .

Whilst looking at that picture I listened to an interview with him and the experience--of listening to his voice--tied together with the photo left me with a heavy feeling in my gut. It's empty nonsense-- I know his deficiencies and how shitty everything was for a while there--how badly he treated me-- but all I feel right now is how beautiful it was to be living the lifestyle and amibitions that were his (and mine) at that time. I always admired his running career, his achievements and--in this moment--that feeling is magnified. Listening to him talking about his friendships with various Kenyans over the years took me back and deeply into it; I remember the hilarity that ensued at big races when S. would *loudly* tell a joke. Really, remembering this, in light of the current situation with my hip, was like a kick in the gut.

Will I ever feel that what my life will turn out to be will be good enough? Non, no, that's not what I mean--will it ever feel that good again?

Probably not.

I'm such an optimist! I must be PMSing! It has been seven years, and there are much nicer, smarter, and generally more interesting people out there so get a grip! A boyfriend doesn't have to run a 27 minute 10k (although watching that is *hot*, if you'll exuse my juvenility) to be lovely.

8:19 p.m. - 2006-06-25

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