enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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My dinner is ready so this is going to be a rushed and haphazard entry

I've been feeling kind of antsy today, although I've been meaning to write something and so I will.

As usual, I have been thinking a great deal about choice... about choosing to risk...about how if my leg is OK I'm going to go off and do something dramatic and life-embracing. After a few months of work, that is.

I've been thinking about stuff like this and particularly about emotional risk because I've been thinking about the lives of the people who were at the party last Friday night. About half of the people were married and about half weren't (all never married), and everyone that I'm speaking of was about 40 years old (except me, of course!). The people there were exceptionally good people and perfectly deserving--and, more importantly, uniformly desirous-- of mates (except maybe the banker, given his reluctance to look at a variety of women).

I mean, it's pretty obvious as to why I haven't sorted out my love life yet: I haven't yet sorted out my career, or even my career aspirations. I also got hurt, really hurt by my ex-fiance. I'm a complete screw-up. I'm also a kid who will never grow up; if I had any talent whatsoever I'd call myself the J.M. B@rrie of southwestern Ontario :).

So the woman of the group who is perhaps most interesting to me is a doctor, an anesthesiologist. She's very smart. She's also wonderfully sweet and inspiring of trust. An embarrassing moment for me took place as I choked on a crumb of something in a fancy restaurant a couple of years ago and she calmly walked around the table, administered the h3imlich maneouver, and tended to my needs without making a spectacle of it. She's great, that way, and not just because she saved my life :).

Otherwise, this woman is 1) happy in her job 2) quite attractive 3) athletic and fit (does triathlons) 4) stylish 5) really well traveled (has backpacked all over the world, most recently in the South America, but also in Tibet, Africa...you name it). She's incredibly interesting to talk to , and, more importantly is so unpretentious that you never fel like she is telling you something because she wants to show that she knows more than you do.

She also has an incredible family, to which she is close. It's absolutely puzzling to me that she still seems not to like herself and can't establish herself in love. She has spent years at the beck and call of another doctor who has repeatedly cheated on her and not offered much else. She has been dating a nicer guy for the last year but whenever the jerk comes calling she goes into serious hesitation and doubt mode. I think she's poised to drop the nice guy. This is fine, of course, if he is not the guy for her.

So I guess I raise this because she's the perfect example of how screwed up many of us in this generation seem to be about love. She's an absolutely wonderful person and she just can't see it; she can't seem to see that she is deserving of love and that it's out there for her.

I have so many examples of such people I just can't believe it.

My friend N., the one who is having a baby in a few weeks using sperm bank sperm is a smart, educated, loving and fun human being who has completely given up on finding a mate.

My friend S. is a lawyer who had the guts to leave law for a nine-to-five job that would permit him to pursue other interests. Although not a trained writer, he's managed to fulfill his dream to have a show of his photos matched to his stories. The show will open at a gallery in a hip part of Toronto early in July. He's still single even though he's been through a variety of singles match-up experiences (speed-dating, singles' cooking...). He's fit, interesting (we call him the oracle), sophisticated, stylish, well-travelled, and genuine.

My friend G. is a successful bridge engineer. More importantly, he's kind, compassionate, dependable, funny. He's the kind of guy you can always count on.Always. To add to this he's also an activist--without the edge--for animal rights and envrinmental causes. I'd marry him myself, if he were willing to ever live anywhere but TO. This is a guy who took in, supported, and fully cared for his brother for a couple of years after he had a breakdown.

My girlfriend B. is also a lawyer with a graduate degree in law and who works in an alternative profession. She's very attractive, genuine, smart, and kind. She had a difficult childhood that has led her to depend a bit too much on her church, in my opinion, so I can see how this would have turned some guys off. Still, I am absolutely shocked at how hard it is for her to find dates.

My friend R. is a fit, funny, sharp woman with great style, amazing curls and lovely features. She's well-traveled, incredibly knowledgeable about music, a great organizer, emotionally dependable, and is heading off to China soon to set up a non-profit organization. Can't find a boyfriend.

I could go on but more and more I am convinced that the world has gone mad. Mad, I tell you.

And I'm not arguing that one has to be with someone else to be complete. Not at all. It's just that these people want companions and deep love and they deserve these things, damn it!

Why are we all so confused?

Wow, that sounded like a bad SJP voiceover from SATC. Many apologies--I'm not at my best today.

So, for my friends I hope for love. For me--myself-- I hope sincerely that I will find a job in which I can be passionate and fulfilled.

7:26 p.m. - 2006-06-21

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