enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Easy breezy underperforming me.

Hmmm...so today...

I was really unproductive. I was sort of bouncing off the walls. I have NO idea why.

I wasn't particularly grumpy at work and so as I just mentioned to Anna - that I get so anxious that my brain completely empties out, so I'm learning to just walk if not dive directly into the anxiety (it actually works, because it makes me laugh, now) - I decided to walk right into being nice with the senior economist.

This will wear thin shortly, of course, but I do know that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

And let's be honest: many men's egos are very easily stroked.

So there you go, I succumbed to...

faking tolerance.

Otherwise, I must tell you, I went to the O E Cee D website to look at their job postings.

And, do you know what?

There was the most perfect job for me posted on their website.

The problem is that I don't know how I could get a leave from my job were I to even get the job. (It's in Paris, of course.)

I'd probably have to quit my job here.

The other problem is that even though I DO have enough experience here to do the work very, very well (it's like this job posting was tailor-written for me and what I know my skills to be), since I've only been back in the government here now for two years and my quite relevant experience was back in the 1990s in my pre-return-to-grad-school days, they might not consider me to fall in the appropriate experience category. :(

I would be so kick ass at that job though. So, I think I should apply anyhow. Most likely I won't even get any inquiries, but what the hell: you just never know. I've recently come around to accepting that in life getting somewhere is often more a function of confidence and bravado than of capability or intelligence. I mean there has to be a modicum of capability, but it's really confidence and self-belief that drive the boat. Bad luck for us emotional, self-critical, anxious folks. :(

So there you go. I'm thinking sideways and backwards and maybe even forward. Not really sure.

I do need to be more productive at work tomorrow though. I need to calculate this investment-related thing but it looks complicated and I just haven't been able to "throw myself into the deep end" yet. I'll have to do that tomorrow.

Right now I am waiting for the C-meister to get home from his current crazy job at the Priiiivy _ouncil Office so that we can run. I would hate to have his job.

Hell, let's be honest: I really wish I had been born better looking, because I'd much rather have a sugar daddy and be working for a non-profit at something that I love, and still be able to have a reasonable standard of living. But beggars can't be choosers. :)

OK. So maybe I don't want a sugar daddy. Some freedom would be nice though.

7:17 p.m. - 2008-07-21

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