enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Oh why oh why can't I be a different person?

I had a rough day at work, but I'm trying to analyse it.

I really think that what I'm experiencing at the moment is an anxiety disorder - after working well in the last couple of days I felt paralysed today, after a chief was rude to me and I felt that feeling of not belonging, not being good enough again (I mean the guy looks like a game show host/G3orge Hamilton, so I'm guessing that he has his own life issues that could be resulting in his rudeness to me, i.e. that it's of course NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ME :)), and I just couldn't work. In fact, I couldn't think. And not being able to think, feeling my mind go into fuzzy mode...just makes me feel more panicked.

It was awful. I tried to calm myself down and all I could feel is numbness.

It creeps up on me. I thought I was doing pretty well at managing things, getting things done. I can be such a productive person when I can just let go. I just pray that I will be able to let go of the fear and despair that I will never be good enough (to whom? to me? I don't know).

So there you go. I was just online doing tons of research into various books and things that I can buy to do some decent self-help therapy before I can find someone to talk to. It is so difficult to find an appropriate counselor. Each time I have tried I have encountered either someone creepy or someone uninterested or someone - like the last one - who told me something stupid like, "Why don't you go to an image consultant?" (SO that I could look like her - all facelifts and green eyeshadow and whatever else. :))

I'm paralysed in life right now. I'm paralysed with fear that I will fail at my job before I manage to get out of it, and so will be doomed to not be able to find a suitable position again. I am paralysed by fear that I will never be able to open myself up to a relationship again. I am paralysed with fear that I will shrivel up and age beyond recognition right in front of my eyes.

Every day I fight the good fight, trying to be myself - cheerful, optimistic, caring, funny. But some days it just gets so difficult and I only want to hide. I feel lonely and scared and I revert to the wrong impulses. I realize that the problem is the habits of thinking that I revert to when threatened. Why does it have to be such a mountain to change them?

Otherwise, I suspect that I am getting my period, and I also haven't been getting a number of vitamins and minerals or enough sunlight/vitamin D. :)

All must change. Well, except the period. I'm just talking this through, here. I can't punish myself this time for falling back again. In fact, I can't punish myself ever again. I need to face that I am afraid and try to come up with new ways to deal with this.

That's about it! I will find something fun and joyous tomorrow. I have a happy ring. I will wear my happy ring tomorrow. Plus, it is Friday and my boss is away. So, he will not intimidate me tomorrow. I will focus on this and will try to get lots of work done that I can be proud of on Monday.

1:01 a.m. - 2008-03-28

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