enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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My stomach is full of scotch mints. And they feel like rocks. I know, I know, they have dissolved already. :)

Oh so tired.

The last couple of days have been a whirlwind.

For some reason my confidence just up and deflated yesterday.

And as a result I had trouble getting to bed last night (self sabotage, anyone?).

So my interview was trying, to say the least.

And don't even ask me about the three hours of French testing following the interview.

For the interview I was guided to the wrong location, in the first instance. And when my escort came to find me and take me to the correct room, I was not at all nervous or perturbed. But for some reason when I was introduced to my interviewers and they apologized for the misdirection I felt the need to say something to the effect of "It was no problem, a great opportunity for me to interview myself," in that quirky way in which I state almost everything. Thank goodness they laughed. I fear that I am starting to become a female version of Hugh Gr@nt in one of those Hugh Gr@nt vehicle romantic comedies.Only much less charming and well-coiffed.:)

Oy. Well, actually, it did not all go badly. It just didn't go as well as I'd hoped. But there is definitely a lesson in this because this is a recurrent problem for me. If I ever would have had reason to feel confident it should have been in this interview. I mean, I HAVE A JOB ALREADY. IN THE SAME DEPARTMENT. THEY LIKE ME. I'M COMPETENT.

All I can guess is that it's the voices of my past telling me that I'm not good enough and that I don't deserve a good outcome.

And I need to banish these voices forever!

I'm working on it. And I need to cut myself some slack. I can't go back and change last night or change today. All I can do is move forward.

I'm still feeling good, just incredibly frustrated with myself. I have a serious, serious habit to break.

OK. Bedtime. My eyes have been drooping all day and I have about 1800 pages of code to write tomorrow for some estimation that I need to start running. :(

Tired. Tired. Tired. And I ate too much sugar tonight.

It's such a challenge to be a person so much in need of reform! :)

And review of French grammar!:)

And speaking of other ways in which I need to be reformed... I was late tonight to meet C for dinner because I stopped by the grocery store on my bike on my way home from the office, and as usual my eyes were bigger than my...carriage. When I departed the store my handlebars were loaded with groceries that hardly fit, and a giant bag of earth-friendly double-roll toilet paper rolls was balanced precariously on the bar. (Needless to say I was not riding said bicycle home, but rather wheeling it along like a poor bag lady. It's a good way to get people to clear the sidewalk as one approaches though, I discovered.)

C. was particularly disturbed by the fact that I felt compelled to buy a 10 kg bag of beets. I don't know what came over me. They were on sale, and they looked so earthy and root vegetable-y. I couldn't help myself.

And C. refused to take any of them home...

But do you know what? All I could think as I left the grocery store was I'm so grateful for my life.

12:19 a.m. - 2007-08-29

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