enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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My bum is nearly numb from sitting in this chair for so long...

I've probably written about this before--in that naive, childishly philosophical way that is my wont--but I love the expression "God is in the details."

I just discovered that this expression is generally attributed to Mies van der Roh3, or to Flaub3rt in the French.

This is how I entertain myself on a Saturday morning--by googling expressions. It's how I discovered that the accurate version of "Pride goeth before a fall" is really "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." It wasn't from reading the bible. :)

Ah. Sigh. I should try much harder to use the actual intelligence with which I have been gifted. Instead, I drift. I eat. I run. I pine. I hope. I wait. And sometimes I forget, particularly to be grateful.

The last couple of weeks had so many messages in them for me. I couldn't see many of them. First, and always foremost, there are so many good people in my life--both strangers and intimate friends. If I can look around, understand and be grateful for that, I'll understand that in spite of my shortcomings, failures, disappointments...I am living pretty well. I am living well and I have made it this far with a *healthy* set of scars.

So there you go. I was asked on a skating date for this afternoon, but I put it off until tomorrow. Men are coming out of the woodwork--good grief. I suppose that I shouldn't complain.

Looking out the window, I can see that the sun is bright and that therefore the snow on the roof next door is white, crystalline and sparkling. All of the pretty, painted, reading women on my walls are glowingly illuminated. It's a cheerful little attic abode that I have here.

If only to grumble a little to maintain balance, I will say that I am, this very moment, wishing that there were a cheese delivery service. I feel unmotivated to walk the mile and a half to the crowded market. I'm not keen on crowds. I've become so lazy. And I'm enjoying my pyjamas at the moment. I think that this is all a message that I should either move back to Montreal and 1) live right next door to my favourite cheese shop, as before; 2) move to some place like Paris where cheese is always a step away.

So I've realized something small that has given me enormous, chuckling delight this morning. People have been calling me lately just to tell me this one thing, that one thing...their little epiphanies. I find this rather amusing. I'll be sitting at my computer and the phone will ring and it will be a friend saying, "I just thought of something and I wanted to share it with you: *insert revelation*. OK. That's it; have a great day and I'll talk to you later! Click."

Hmmm...

When will the birds return?

The guy who called me this morning for a date told me that he is heading to New Zealand for a three week vacation, in two weeks' time. I'm somewhat jealous. If I had my job settled I think I would take a four or five day weekend in March and fly out to Vancouver. I'd take that bus from Victoria to Tofino again and stand on the beach, let the cold wind whip the waves and my hair and face. Through the mountains I would ask the bus driver to let me out to stand in the Cathedral Grove. I'd be amongst the trees. And I'd imagine as the bus careered over the hills that I were running on some unseen trail up in them.

I've let the morning slip through my fingers. I was up late last night, and didn't sleep much. The positive read on this is that this day--for a change-- I got up before sleeping fully because I didn't want to waste the feeling of peace of which I finally have ownership.

Woe be gone. :)

Related to the expression "God is in the details" is an idea recently stated succintly to me (which I've probably, too, written down--please forgive me). The elderly father of a friend's friend told his daughter that the secret to life is to "pay attention." I can't think of a truer statement. One of the things that I am most proud of in my recently failed relationship is that I listened to and remembered what he said, what he cared about. He did not do the same for me. Beyond an intimate relationship, I'm trying, consciously, to do this in every other circumstance in my life. It's difficult to maintain concentration sometimes, and to go the extra mile with everyone. This is particularly true with the many frustrating, self-centred and annoying people with whom one comes into contact.

But the rewards are enormous. Only connect. EM Forster would be proud.

I'm choking on a raisin. My biggest fear in living alone is of being found having choked myself on food. I know I've said this before. It's more difficult to choke on cheese, I think. Though not on baguette. :) I shall get some, nevertheless. And then I must return to work. I have about 8 million descriptive and regression results for my girl-boy, child well-being project that I must figure out how to present in exciting and interesting ways. Oh the graphing. I think that's about the only reason that I wasn't completely put off in my economics classes in the first intance. What a good little picture can say...

Incidentally, have I ever mentioned that one of my professors during my failed Ph.D. studies once told me directly that he didn't believe that women could be successful in economics, or even be taught economics? He cited cognitive dissonance. Charming fellow.
Here's to a lovely day!

12:04 p.m. - 2007-02-24

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