enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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A big heart out to everyone.

It's late at night and I should NOT be writing anything.

I feel liberated and at peace tonight and need to express that.

My life is slowly returning to normality. It's wonderful. I have control back again. (Well, except of my spending behaviour...I bought myself a new pair of lounging yoga pants and a pretty tank top for home...just to feel nice today.)

I received another email from the guy today and he wants to meet on Thursday. An epiphany occurred. As I was reading the note I saw within it the implicit criticisms of me and of my personality. And I realized once and for all that he is a bit of a jerk. There is nothing in particular wrong with my personality--only with the weakened sense of self-worth that permitted me to receive less than I deserved for the couple of months that we were together.

So today was an interesting day. I had to take several hours away from work to write a test for another job competition. I had an anxiety attack; the test went badly. It's odd that someone who spent eleven years in university could have difficulty staying calm for a test. But I'm in a spiral in which I worry that somehow something will go wrong and I will not secure a permanent job...i.e. the worst case scenario.

But my boss today finally gave me notice of a permanent competition to which I can apply. So he's in my court at least.

I have the interview to follow today's test, tomorrow. I hope I can keep it together. It may be moot if they discern that my test was insufficient, but if they like me well enough perhaps they can do an override. I am tremendously overqualified for that job.

Sigh. So everything is good. I have registered to work at the food bank on Saturday. I am planning to go snowshoeing on Sunday. And I started running again--down the canal alongside the skaters tonight. I breathed deeply tonight and realized that I am me. I will be me again. And there is nothing in particular wrong with me...just as I am.

The clock just ticked over. Happy V-Day to me.

11:57 p.m. - 2007-02-13

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