enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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a pointless crush makes me a dull and uninteresting person

I know, I've been slack here lately. I've been preoccupied, needless to say.

I think I'm over the preoccupation now, however. I don't think I'm going to email the guy again before we meet in Ottawa in a couple of weeks. What's the point?

Otherwise, I haven't been sleeping. I can't put my finger on the exact cause (is it the guy, I don't know--I don't seem to be able to remember my dreams), but I wake up after about six hours and can't get back to sleep. A clear sign of anxiety. During the waking hours I feel quite happy and relaxed, however. I imagine that it could, simply, have something to do with the fact that I am about to go through another major upheaval. I'm also bored to tears with school--as usual--and that is winding to a close in what feels like a long, drawn-out 4-5 weeks. (Thank goodness.)

My mom came down on Thursday to move half of my furniture home. (My mother is a true angel, really.) We had a nice dinner and I drank a bit too much beer in the sun. That obviously wasn't good for either Thursday's sleep or Friday's productivity. It may also account for the fact that I wrote to the guy and told him that we should concentrate on other things for the next couple of weeks. I mean, it was the only reasonable thing to do.

I also went to an outdoor cultural festival yesterday. I like crafty things initially but after that wears off I start to just feel sad as I see booth after booth of poor immigrants trying to peddle cheap imported goods and, in some cases, to pass them off as quality handicrafts. There's nothing more to say about that than that it makes me feel sad and sorry. The food at the festival is fantastic--I think I'll go back today and visit the Afghan tent. Yesterday I stuck with Thai and Vietnamese and they were both excellent. And it's all down at the big park at the end of my street (this is why I always prefer to live downtown!).

I suppose I should go and grab the paper and a coffee and hit the town--it's a lovely day that it would be a shame to waste.

ACK. I almost forgot the most important news. I went on a run yesterday morning. When I woke up I was not planning to run and then I thought, "why not!" And I ran and it felt good. Well, not really. It never ceases to amaze me that after years of intense running my body seems to forget it all when I am away from it for a while. Granted, 8-10 weeks is an awfully long time to be away from it, and, furthermore, I haven't been water running at all. The biking has been good for general cardio, I guess, but man did my bronchial tubes ever burn as I completed the circuit (I, like the lunatic I am, ran 10k on my first day back). I will probably start by running every second or third day only, but damn is it ever a fine thing to be running without pain (and I have no pain this morning, which is really the important thing). I am quite stiff though. Like I said, ten years of pounding are worth nothing when the body decides to go to seed. :)

Otherwise, as I said before, the Professor of History turned out to be a huge disappointment. He has continued to write to me even though I told him that I did not think that we were a match. What's worse, he seems to feel a need to write to me about every good deed that he is done and how great a person he is, whilst also writing that he doesn't think I'll meet anyone by being a "gym rat." (I had told him that I would likely join an endurance club to meet new friends when I arrive in Ottawa.) So I wrote back and told him that I thought it unkind for him to label what I do with that pejorative term, simply because he doesn't do that sort of thing himself. He said that I just don't understand his "dark sense of humour that he primarily uses on himself"????

I mean, I don't know about you but the fact that the guy actually--without invitation or provocation--sent me a link to his teaching reviews so that I could see how good he is at teaching, smacks of insecurity, no? (Not to mention the fact that he has been teaching for several years and there were only 4 or 6 reviews there (great sample!); one of them said he was handsome--which I am sure is why he sent them to me--but I am almost suspicious enough to think that he wrote that one himself.) So I wrote back to him and told him that whilst he has many admirable qualities, I am sure, the honest truth is that he was giving off a vibe of insecurity to me (as well as negativity) that I didn't find appealing. I then wished him good luck with his search. I really don't think that sounds unduly harsh but I'd appreciate it if someone would tell me if I am incorrect in thinking this. I generally think of myself as a decent person and try to be polite and respectful as I tell someone the truth about my impressions.

Anyhow. That was kind of an aside, and mostly to say that I think I'm going to throw the towel in on online dating and simply return to the old, ordinary way of waiting for a spark to hit in daily life. It's not as though I never get asked out--as long as I keep an open attitude and friendly presence (which I infrequently do around men and the root of which is really the problem).

I think that's really it. Time to get outside. My semi-barren apartment is kind of creeping me out. I knew that that would be a problem in having half of the move done a month early; it will be nice, however, to have a smaller job come the end of term. Ah life.

10:58 a.m. - 2006-07-08

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