enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The freshly weed-whacked garden contradictorily smells good.

OH good grief my spelling is atrocious these days. I meant "sheet lightning" in the entry last night. The problem is that I am of too impatient and gadfly-ish a temperament to write anywhere but in this shiny, little white box. I'm too lazy for editing.

I was out in the garden a couple of hours ago picking a wildflower/weed bouquet. I'm rather glad I did since about ten minutes ago when I was chatting with my mom on the phone it dawned on me that someone was out in the yard with a weed whacker eliminating my summer-glory wilderness in the city. Now there are forlorn bits of long-stemmed daisies strewn all over the purple ground cover. Fortunately the beds skirting the fence are large and profuse enough that I shall still have butterflies this summer.

Oh and I realized that the tree closest to my window is a maple and not an oak. It might be slightly more poetic to be crushed by a falling maple than by a falling oak (in the event of a thunderstorm).

I'm still trying very hard not to worry about my hip. I'm afraid that I did a stupid thing yesterday: I tried to run. The hip simply isn't ready for it and I should know better. But I went into a bit of a tailspin of panic after the physio mentioned--quite inadvertently--that the doctor had had films taken of my whole femur in order to look for "masses," and I felt a desperate need to take control of my leg, if that makes sense.

I'm fine now. I realize that it is foolish to worry about this and I'm back to calmly waiting for this injury to heal. I'm just not going to think about it anymore.

I can see a pattern forming in my "crisis" management approach. I get really upset for a few hours, think about the worst case scenario (sarcoma in the femur, amputation), and then all of a sudden all of the different paths that I could follow if this were to happen become crystal clear and I'm back to normal. I guess it's a normal human experience to need to see the paths out from a particular situation to remain calm and usually effective. I wonder, however, if this is yet another signal that I feel too great a need to have control over everything in my life. I have a sense that I need to practise letting go. When I ride my bike sometimes I can't resist going hands-free, especially when coasting down a hill with a good view. I wish I could do this more in the navigation of my day-to-day experiences.

My brain is heavy from a heavy workload and course schedule of late, so today I'm going to do nothing but things like read the papers and drink good coffee. I'm also thinking of taking a leisurely bike ride through a quarter of the city that I've never seen. I'm hooked on observation. When I was a little girl I wanted to be Tr!xie Beldon. Now that I'm grown I want to be J@ne Jacobs.

I'm also on the fence about attending a social issues event on the weekend. I'm bothered by my reticence when it comes to things like this. I'm very interested in the issues that will be addressed, but anything that involves tents, communal cooking, and drumming throws me off. I have a feeling that I need to be more open minded--or at least willing to open myself up to alternate ways of conducting business. Hmmm..

12:12 p.m. - 2006-06-01

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