enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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it can always get worse.

So it turns out that I may actually have a stress fracture in my upper femur. I was at physio today and she was sufficiently concerned after we did some tests that I am now booked in with a top ortho guy next Friday. It would have been sooner but my frustratingly anal-retentive program does not permit the skipping of classes. I'll have to then schedule a bone scan--program permitting--and proceed from there.

I won't lie. I'm pretty devastated. I'm trying not to think about the worst case scenario: surgery to pin my femur because stress fractures in this area are risky. (If they complete themselves and the bone becomes displaced, blood supply is cut off to the top part of the bone...yadda yadda. I feel as though I have written this already.)

I'm having an interesting reaction to this. I let myself cry a little bit this afternoon, and then I stopped. I mean, the worst case scenario is probably not going to happen. I'm probably going to be just fine again. I'm probably not going to lose my running forever.

It's funny how I always refer to running as "my" running. It reflects what a gift it has been to me; it reflects what a central role it has played in my life.

I guess I always knew that a day would come when I would have to face changing the way(s) in which I define myself. I've obviously been through quite a bit of this in the last couple of years. This sort of takes the process to the next level :).

Running brought me my ex-fiance. It brought me lots of travel and truly exciting experiences. More importantly, it gave me a window to a totally different me than I'd ever imagined existed. It liberated me from thinking that it was only my achievements in school that could define me. It gave me opportunities--however more limited than I'd hoped--to compete with the best in the world at something. Not at the very top, of course, but close enough.

I know I shouldn't be eulogizing "my" running just yet.

But this afternoon as I was cutting across a huge grassy hill in the middle of campus so that no one would see me crying, it occurred to me that something has to kickstart me into redefining myself yet again. When I got to the crest of the hill and was looking down I thought, "All I define myself by is my running."

So life is sometimes disappointing. Sometimes it is very disappointing. If there is a bright side, however, I guess it has to be that the only time that I am ever going to let go of the complete reliance on running for my self-esteem is when it is forced out of my control. I know that I've gradually sunk into a very small existence. I don't let as many people in as I used to. I don't think of myself as an academically successful person (quite the reverse). I don't see myself as a successful career person. I don't see myself as someone's future significant other. I've gradually, quietly reduced my expectations of life. I've gradually convinced myself that I don't deserve the good things that other people deserve. It's kind of disturbing. And maybe I haven't had a powerful enough catalyst to break out of my coccoon before this.

I can't think of any other positive spin to put on this.

I wish I were looking forward to something, although nothing much of interest is looming on the horizon. I want to force myself to draw or paint or even read but I can't yet muster the desire. Maybe things will look brighter tomorrow.

6:33 p.m. - 2006-05-17

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