enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Trivialities

Hey dudes,

Well, good news.

I was cross this morning (evidently), but today I had a bit of an epiphany.

I got on my bicycle briefly after writing this morning, and then C. came over and we went out for brunch, to the hippie place, which was interesting. I had an excellent Japanese bowl full of veggies and brown rice and eggs, plus miso. Terrifically satisfying, was that.

C. was being a nervous Nellie. He kept on running into people he knows, including a girl he dated briefly from the Internet, who was there with a new boyfriend. I kept on trying to explain to him just to relax and not focus on how "awkward" this or that might be. I saw nothing awkward in any of it, but C. always fusses about everything. He's worse than a teenaged girl ("She seems uncomfortable. I know that guy. I wonder what he is thinking.")

ACKKKKKKKKKKK.. Life would be much easier if we would simply stop thinking about everything. Smile, say hello, chill out. I am very chilled out myself in public, at the moment. I have no clue why. Well, maybe I have a clue. I feel very confident/sure of myself. I know what I want. I know what I like. I like myself and I feel attractive just as I am.

Actually, Italy contributes a lot in that regard. Here, women look at me, but more in a kind of inspection mode (What is she wearing? Does she look good? Is she competition for me?). In Italy it is different. Everyone looks at everyone else, but the air is different. I stand up straight and strong and proud in Italy, because why not be just like everyone else. And in Italy, deliciously, men look at you. They look you in the eyes. They look away if you look at them. But they look. And sometimes they toss out, softly, "Bella signora." Frankly, it rocks. It feels very natural.

After the resto, this lot of facts was tested (i.e. the lot pertaining to my confidence). I passed with flying colours.

A woman I used to know a little - the mushroom picker, with whom I volunteered at that refugee charity - snubbed me. She hadn't emailed me in months, since I quit working for the refugee charity (the nights were way too late), so I figured she had been upset that I had quit. She'd said she'd understood, but who knows what is up with people. The last time I saw her was at a party she had more than a year and a half ago, at which a guy she had started to sleep with was flirting with me (I cut him off at the knees (but discretely!), as I don't go for that at all), so maybe that's what her snubbing was all about. He's a horrible guy, anyhow, at least in regard to his public behaviour. I don't know why anyone would stoop to sleeping with a guy so vulgar in his manner (makes racist remarks, hits on other women), frankly.

I had to laugh though. She brushed right by me twice, and approached the table C. and I were at a third time. I very clearly said, "Hi Marion. How are you?" in my friendliest voice, and she completely ignored me.

So do you know what I have concluded? It is not me. There are some really fucked up people in this town. I really am a nice, friendly and honest/straightforward person. I do not lie. I do not cheat. I do not try to take advantage of people in any way. I tell the truth and I try to treat everyone with respect. My only real fault in social interaction is that I don't initiate a lot of it, i.e. I don't call up people and invite them to things much of the time. But it can be said of me that whenever I do see someone I am always friendly, always say hello and smile, and always ask them about what is going on with them. I am a decent person and I think that polite social interaction is incredibly important.

C. agreed with me that her behaviour was absolutely ridiculous. She is in her forties, after all. He thinks that she might be jealous of me for being thinner and more attractive and for having a better job. What a load of crap though. Why do you not say hello to someone, even if you don't want to become best pals with them?

I know that things like this should make me feel worse, but actually they make me feel better. They make me feel better because I am quite sure that it's the lameness of the people here that isn't working for me, rather than anything to do with me. So many people I have met here seem to be petty and cliquey and stupid. I don't go in for bullshit, so if these people don't like me, I'm not going to cry about it.

Anyhow. C. and I also did see a guy I really, really like, and of course...he and his wife are moving to Vancouver. All of the nice people leave. Of course, I knew that he and his wife were looking to move, as their family is out there.

AH well. Such is life. Perhaps I'll move to Italia after all. :)

OK. Off to enjoy the rest of the day. I'm going to enjoy my life here, IN SPITE of the stupid people.

1:51 p.m. - 2010-05-30

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