enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Working through the gloom and fatigue

SOrry - I haven't been a very good blog friend lately. I've been preoccupied. I guess I'm working through in my head what the whole recent experience in Italy means.

I am also really, really, really tired. I slept 9 or 10 hours on Friday night and still all day yesterday I was weary. I took a two hour nap and also couldn't keep my eyes open past 9:30. It's probably a combination of physical (my head was stuffy yesterday) and emotional.

What is actually preoccupying me is the inverse of the Italy thing. It's what my life here is all about. Frankly, I would call it a "non life."

When I got back, initially I was happy to have my privacy and my home. Then, I was happy to see C. At work, too, a number of people seemed to have missed me. My friend A. came by and gave me a big hug. The strange woman with the apartment in Florence who has been very moody with me over the last year was all of a sudden friendly and invited me to the Italian garden party. So I thought "what the hell, I might meet some new people" and bought a ticket for it.

I looked up a drawing course and even a dancing course on the Internet and I have those little details in my hot little hands and I ought to simply call and register for them. To be honest, the only things holding me back are these: habit (of solitude, when I am here in Canada, since everything I have done here except Italian has been a disappointment); and money, as now that I know I want to take a semester of study in Florence and also that I want to go back there in September I want to save save save save.

I don't know.

I'm fighting, not unpredictably, a feeling of intense sadness. Or at least I was yesterday. Today I feel quite happy and chipper. Yesterday, I was definitely thinking about Andrea. I was feeling sorry for myself. "Oh woe is me, why did I meet the perfect, wonderful man when neither of us has the mobility to be in the same place?"

Yesterday, too, my neighbourhood was full of garage saling people. It is also "race" weekend here. It's difficult to explain my lack of interest, but there is a marathon going on in Ottawa right now and I want it to go away. IT is a HUGE event. There are four races taking place this weekend, actually, and they are all huge. Last evening, C. took part in the 10k. I went out to watch. There is huge prize money attached to the event, so it attracts elite racers. It also attracts tons and tons of recreational joggers. I know this is bitchy and snobby to say, but I hated all of the hoardes of people who paid $70 to "run" a 60 minute or longer 10k race. They all seem like the yuppies and "yummy mummies" that I have to work with. I don't know. I guess the "race" full of expensively-dressed people seemed like evidence of the stupid, vacuous yuppie culture in which I live. I know it's horrible to think that, because I think it's wonderful when people try to get fit and take care of their bodies. I should be supportive. It just feels as though for most of these people it's a big vanity project, a "keeping up with hot desperate housewife Mrs. Jones." And I'm cross. :) I'm so cross!!

We know where this is coming from. It's that I don't like people here very much.. I don't find I have anything in common with them. They all want to know when I am going to buy a house. I am tired. I don't fit in.

Anyhow. I am being STUPID. I'm experiencing a "transition." I am sure that not all people are bad. (Seriously, I KNOW that I have to take responsibility for this.) Mostly, I am probably angry at myself for not doing anything about it. I could pick up the phone and register for that art course. I could take that ballroom dancing class. Also, I was surfing a website yesterday and I came across a posting for a fringe festival that is looking for volunteers. I should look into that. Maybe I would meet some cool people doing that.

A lot of this goes back to the fact that at the moment I HATE my job. I feel as though I am sort of drifting. I know I shouldn't complain - good salary and lots of autonomy - but I don't like to waste my time. I want to be moving forward. My boss is just too preoccupied to be a good manager.

OK. I'm going to shut up and move forward on my own. I really am very excited about the drawing. When I was in the Bardini Garden I was truly excited to see the exhibition of that art school. My life dream would be to go to that school for their three-year program, but of course that is out of the question. I could maybe do a semester there, however, and I could certainly do their summer workshops over a course of a number of years. So I think I ought to look at the glass half full. Also, I will need to do lots and lots of work here. I am sure, if I join the art school here for at least a course, I will be able to find other opportunities to get together with people to draw. I can build something here. It's eluded me so far, but there must be some nice, chilled people here. There simply must be. I have to try harder.

I found out yesterday that there is a vegetarian fair at the local community centre and so I am going to that. I am also interested in finding out about local gardening/veg. growing. Slowly, this will work out.

So...the photos. The next day in the sequence of photos to the one that I showed yesterday is not very exciting. The weather was terrible and I snapped only a few shots. Andrea and I went to San Gimignano. I have already posted the cute photo of him that I took there. I suppose I could post it again. :)

Starting out in Florence. I loved that this woman was wearing a purple velvet coat to ride her bicycle in the rain (spotting the colour purple): :)

San G:

The most ridiculous ann-nc!ation ever (have you ever seen Mary with a desk lamp?):

I didn't take many shots of San Gimignano, not only because the weather was bad, but also because that is where Andrea told me about his heart surgery. It was obviously a terrifying experience for him, from what he told me. We ate in a little caverna (wine cellar turned into a litlte restaurant), where he wanted me to try a selection of wonderful proscuitto and cheese. We had a very nice time, but there was music on the cd that reminded him of his youth, and I think talking about almost dying and so on and so forth made him feel melancholy. (You don't say...) We were both a bit tired. It was a nice moment in our interaction, however, as he told me that he never tells anyone about his feelings about the surgery. Progressively in the week to follow he opened up much more to me.

OK. I shall try to make today a nice day. I am still EXHAUSTED, so I am not riding my bike or running as planned. Hopefully I will be able to muster a run later today. C. and I are planning to meet for brunch and then will go to the vegetarian fair. This afternoon I'll try to do a little bit of drawing. I also need to buy the paint for my apartment. There is never enough time!! HUGS! Please excuse my bitchy rambling today. I am excruciatingly lonely, angry and tired. I like to be honest in this diary, even with respect to my worst thoughts. I am not that mean in general, however, to be honest.

7:42 a.m. - 2010-05-30

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