enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It's the all about me show, all the time.

Ah so I was too tired to update yesterday. I have a wee cold. Perhaps I mentioned that. It left me feeling flat.

What did I do last night? Hmm...C. and I ran and then cooked something--oh yes, spaghetti with lots of vegetables and apple crisp for dessert--and then watched a movie. It was pleasant.

I had written a groveling sort of note--or rather series of notes-- to S explaining why I did what I did and how much like a child I felt. The response was not great, or at least not as desired. Essentially he told me that my not trusting him and trusting that he liked me--he hadn't told me or tried to touch even so much as my hand, so was I to know?--had really hurt him. He felt that I needed some time to work on building my trust again and that he doesn't consider the last month of communicating to have been a waste.

(I do, now. But I refrained from writing that and I was nice.)

I wrote instead that clearly we were not connecting on a deeper level because I felt honestly that if he had really deeply liked me he would have been able to take my mistake for what it was and laugh it off and spend a little bit more time getting to know me. I told him that I would not argue the point further and that I wished him luck in finding what he was seeking. C'est tout.

I felt pretty chagrined and horrible about the whole thing, and like it was all my fault, but to be honest I've started to think differently in the last 24 hours.

For starters, we really were from different worlds. I think I was trying again to fit a square peg into a round hole simply because he is a "good" guy. Forget about compatibility. He finds me interesting and he is moderately cute and well-mannered. That was about the sum total of it.

And I need to start asking for more in my life, because I deserve more.

L@rry was/is really a jerk. Why did I suffer along in a relationship with him when he was not at all interested in talking about feelings or even in acknowledging mine? It was awful, truly awful. And I took it because I felt flattered to have the attention of a guy who could attract a much prettier and more socially connected girl. Because I felt in some way validated by this, in spite of the fact that I think on some level that I am undesirable???

Awful, really awful.

And then there was St3wart the brilliant but immature scientist. I enjoyed his company. I did not, however, appreciate the way that he dumped me--which was by ignoring my birthday and finally responding to my emails two days later simply because I'd made him feel "controlled" when I had complained about a rude behaviour. (Flirting with another girl right in front of me.)

Sigh. Awful. But I haven't told you the worst part: St3wart contacted me two nights ago. I just couldn't believe it. It seems that the girls he's meeting are not interested in clever but ultimately short, bald and ugly Scottish guys with bad teeth who still live with a roommate. They seem to have better immature weenie radars than I do. But it seems that from his perspective I have a better sense of humour and broader interests than any of them.

You don't say?!

Well I have this to say, Stewart: Screw You!

I was much nicer than that, don't worry.

But the bigger question is why? WHY do I become interested in these men?? WHY WHY?

I will say this: S. is absolutely 10,000 steps above either of the previous two.

But S. is something that I am not: settled. He wants everything to be the same. I think that he wants a woman who will be subservient.

Do you know why we had our little blow-up on Sunday? I mean, I interpreted the situation as me being in sabotage mode, but really all I did was not keep my mouth shut when that would have pleased him most.

What had happened was that he had planned that I would make dessert at his house in order to show him how. I had brought the ingredients and planned it all out. And instead I made dessert and he did not even talk to me or participate during the process. He busied himself with other things. Which was sort of fine. But since he didn't talk to me much and we weren't having any fun preparing dinner, I wondered if he really wanted me there.

So later on when we were watching the movie--or maybe afterwards, I can't remember--I mentioned that I had had a nice time but that I had felt a little bit unsure as to whether he was having a good time earlier in the evening, since he had ignored me for about an hour during meal preparation. (He put some meat on the BBQ, the end. And at no time during the day or evening did he make any move to make physical contact, which I found weird, though inessential.)

Anyhow. So that was the beginning of the end.

Now before I close this case may I tell you why S was not the right guy for me, anyhow?

He has never had a passion in life. He's an engineer just to have a job. THis in and of itself is not a deal breaker.

But this probably should be: I found no literature whatsoever in his house. There were some books, but mostly they were books about military operations. (WHAT AM I SAYING??? THIS IS A DEALBREAKER!!!) He is in the A!r Force, which could be another deal breaker, but let's not go there.

His mother had decorated his house.

He told me that he had given his last girlfriend "the pink slip," as she had put her family 1st and him 2nd. (I sort of understand this but he was pretty blunt about it.)

He pointed out a painting in his living room with a grimace that he stated was a "wedding present." (Uncomfortable moment, that.)

When I showed him the movie I had brought he said, "Uh. That looks weird." HE didn't seem open to trying something new. Instead we watched a movie that he has seen 20 times.

It was a good movie. But still. I'm starting to wonder if really what the problem was was that he was so caught up in making things "perfect" that he forgot to actually just *be* with me and have a good time.

This is getting boring. My apologies.

He was not the guy for me.

THe truth is that lately I've been thinking a lot about the poet scientist. And I don't want him now or want him because he is happy with his new girlfriend. But I wish a little bit quietly that I had been ready and he not quite so eager a year ago when we met. Because apart from these two timing-related issues he seriously is the perfect guy for me. We had a great time having drinks on Sunday. And when he held my hand and told me he cared about me and wants me to be happy, to find someone, etc...I believe he meant it truly. I'm glad to have him as a friend.

I just hope that someone like him comes along again. :)

C'est tout. I should eat, drink tea, be my silly, semi-miserable self.

The funny thing is though that I honestly believe that someone is going to come along who thinks I'm so wonderful that all of my quirks and my mistakes and my forthrightness--and what teranika has termed my neuroses :)--will be wonderful and desirable to him. There must be such a person out there. I do believe that there is a lid for my pot. Or a pot for my lid. (I think I prefer to be on top, which is half of the problem. ;)).

9:07 p.m. - 2007-09-28

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