enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The usual, i.e. paranoia about being likeable

Hi friends,

Interesting days!

I'm finding the "cutting people slack" rule a little bit difficult.

Of course, at first, I always blame myself.

First, at the work social yesterday, I sensed some unfriendliness from the same female manager who is always unfriendly to me. She's not my manager, and I don't really work with her, but it does bother me when someone seems to not like me for no reason. I've even covered for her, in that I've never told my boss that I completed some international work on her behalf, since she never got to it. She assigned it to someone under her who did a slap-dash job with some major errors in it (surprise surprise, it was the same senior economist who used to irritate me). So I quietly and discretely went about doing the work and didn't tell my boss. I suppose the other manager might resent me because I know that her team is a bit shaky.

Anyhow. Whatever.

And then I went for brunch today with my friend A., with another friend joining us. An additional frend of A.'s showed up, and I was feeling badly for the whole occasion not having a friendly, lively feel. I realized though, upon walking back home, that all I did was show interest in the other people, ask questions, be a good listener. Not a single one of them, in particular the woman sitting beside me, asked one single question about me or what I'm doing or what I'm thinking. The woman who sat beside me was the same woman who sat beside me at the Chinese New Year celebration, and that time as well I listened to her talk about her volunteer work, her writing, what her friends do, blah blah. Not one single time has she asked me anything about my life.

So why do I feel badly? I'm not dominating things. I am not a bad person. I shouldn't feel guilty for not particularly enjoying being around these people.

OK. Well that's done. I think I need to trust myself more. There is nothing wrong with me. I wrote in my morning pages, as I seem to every Saturday, about how obviously there is something wrong with me because I don't fit with a lot of people, but really I am wrong. There is nothing wrong with me. For whatever reason, these women seem to be uninterested in me.

OK. Well, enough of that.

Sorry for the ramble.

I went on the date last night. It was actually very pleasant. I stayed for four hours. I am not at all interested in the guy - I told him that - but he is a lovely, genuine guy and I liked him. Rough around the edges, to be sure, but very well-intentioned. It's a bit difficult to explain, but the thing is that his use of language is appalling (among other things). More importantly, he's not very clever in ways that are natural to me. For example, he didn't catch any of my jokes and he has absolutely no clue about current events. It was quite frustrating trying to explain a little bit of economics to him, and even to explain what the Line Dance department does.

All that said, he's clearly someone with a technical expertise. He is an engineer and has many hobbies in which he works with his hands. I like people like this. He's not going to become my lover or anything, because the conversation is too superficial for my liking, but he's an honest, straightforward and kind guy. He insisted that we should get to know each other better, so I told him that I would go out with him in June when I return from my trip. I told him that I could see us becoming friends and cycling partners. He seemed to be OK with that.

In short, it was a pleasant evening, but certainly not a what I see as a romantic option for me. That said, it's nice that he clearly liked me. Makes a girl feel good.

Well, that's it. I don't plan on doing any more dating in the near future. An Italian "affair" with the clever little singing biologist seems very appealing at the moment.

Off I go to do some drawing. Hope you're having a lovely day.

PS YOu know, the bottom line is that I really need to 1) change careers, and 2) leave this town full of provincial, narrow-minded people. Sad to say, but rather true.

12:15 p.m. - 2010-04-17

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