enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Action plan. Sono stanca.

Oh dudes, I have to be honest: I felt like crap today.

Very sad. All of this grey and winter and loneliness...taking me down.

But the world was conspiring to perk me up, and well it succeeded.

First, I left the office at 5:30. Can you believe it?

As I was leaving, there was the cutest man - with the loveliest, fluffiest hair - who smiled at me as he was leaving the other tower. I've never seen him before and I will probably never see him again, and I thought it was a mistake, but gee that felt nice.

I'll tell you why it felt nice: the guy I was supposed to go out with this weekend disappeared. They often do that online, but it never really stops feeling annoying. He had written to me over the last two weeks and we had set something up for Saturday...but...nada.

C. told me this morning not to take it so personally, but what bothers me is that these men don't have respect. Specifically, they don't have respect for me. I don't care if he wanted to go out with someone else on the weekend. I do care though that after writing me page after page of email, he couldn't be bothered to write one sentence to say that he wasn't into going out on Saturday.

Want to make a bet that I'll hear from him this week or next week or on New Year's Eve? Yes, of course. After he realizes that the bikini model he thinks will fall madly in love with him is, indeed, a moron and is dating five other guys. I hate immature, stupid Canadian men. I hate them. I don't suppose that that is helping my case any... :)

But whatever. I suppose he did me a favour. In fact he did. I just get so tired of this!!! Why is it that I find handsome, charming, lovely men in Italy who treat me kindly and with whom I have a great time? And who call me to wish me "all good things for my life" at New Year's. Here, they treat me like a piece of trash to be tossed out the window. And they don't even look or smell nice here! GAAAAAAAAH.

So, back to how the world conspires towards joy. I was leaving the office and I looked out the windows to see glow. It was still daylight! I haven't left the office in daylight in three months! Wow!

That made me feel pretty lucky. I said to C. the other day that right now my life feels nocturnal. It's not far from the truth.

And then I got home and I really just wanted to hide under my covers and eat chocolate. Instead, I did haul my ass to Italian class and of course I feel marveloso now. I don't know what it is about that language but it always touches my heart. Even if I'm learning how to say "billion" and "in between the sea and the Appeneni."

Meh. Whatever.

On my way home I realized that I do indeed have chocolate in the house - bought it yesterday - so I ate a wallop of that and all is well.

All is well. All is not great, but all is well. My goal for this week is to take the Artist's W@y seriously and force myself out to some art events or at least some sort of a gathering for something I enjoy. If none of that materializes, I will take my camera and take photos about town. On the weekend, I am going to walk to Little Italy. If you can believe it...I have never been to Little Italy in Ottawa. That's what happens to you when you don't have a car. It's just far enough that walking there always seems unappealing.

But there happens to be a nice fabric store that has moved there, and I want to do some dress-making, so I need to do this.

Yesterday, also, I had the idea to paint my bedroom this weekend. Maybe I will actually do that. I don't know. But these things - all of them - are the key. I'm still living a dull, non-life in Ottawa. It's my responsibility to change that. I feel so draggy lately because I'm not doing anything, that it becomes self-reinforcing. I just don't see anything to smile about, so I don't. THat's not me. NOt the real me, anyhow.

XOXO

9:48 p.m. - 2010-03-01

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