enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Go back one for the coolest website!

Good morning, dudes!

Well, things are going pretty well. I had a couple of glasses of wine last night (mistake!), but I'm up now and starting to get the details sewn up for the move.

SOrry for writing things about my attractiveness. It's rather dull. I was thinking about it just now and I realized that it's simply because here in Canada no one ever tells me I'm attractive, and...men here have actually told me that I'm ugly. To my face. When I was a teenager a boy I liked told me that I wasn't pretty. In university, two guys standing next to me at a party were evaluating me and said something about my ass. They then proceeded to say that "She has nothing else."

Boyfriends never told me I was attractive. I never get asked out here. And they diminish my worth by constantly telling me that of course men don't want to date me, because I'm too old. Even my male FRIENDS tell me that ("I'm lucky, because I'm a man, and it doesn't matter.") It all adds up. But I think it's a function of a culture that doesn't appreciate women unless they fall into a particular set of stereotypical images.

I don't fit into that. And I don't want to fit into that.

I think I might finally have cured myself of any desire to fit into that. I'm learning to applaud myself and feel respect and pride in myself just as I am. It's not even about physical attractiveness I think. But every woman wants to feel desirable. Desirable for all that she is.

I guess that's why I needed to write about it.

That was off the topic of moving. Things seem to be on track with respect to that though. Fortunately, I am pretty sure that no one is moving in here - still haven't heard anything from the owners - so I should have all day tomorrow to move. I'm mostly packed - just a few boxes and bags to organize. I got up a half an hour ago and I'm cleaning the oven, making coffee, cleaning out a few remaining items from the fridge. I'll go to yoga with C. at eleven, and then out for brunch.

I think the big thing that the travel back and forth to Firenze has taught me in the last year is to trust my own instincts, to not over plan. I am strong and capable and don't need to worry so much. I make reasonable choices with reasonable risks attached. If I simply let things happen as they will, the chips fall as they may, mostly things will work out. I feel as though I've climbed a mountain to the summit and am looking out at the view from here. It's wonderful!

And do you know, I was not even a little bit anxious about flying this time. Not even on the plane when we hit turbulence. It's as though I've leaned into my fate. I've let go. I had a book once with the title, "Leaning into infinity." I always thought that that was beautiful. It's like when you're on a bicycle heading down a huge hill an take your foot off the breaks, or when you lean out into the wind on a sailboat. You let go of the need to control.

Letting go of the need to control is the most difficult thing for me. It's the thing that traps me. But when I let go I can be so contented. That's what Sabrina said to me: You're so open. So open-minded. I think that that, rather than any physical characteristics, is what she found attractive about me. She also said that I smile a lot.

Well I smile a lot when I feel the way that I do right now. I'm not afraid.

Firenze.

I always do short shrift to Firenze.

Firenze isn't only the Duomo and the Accad3mia. It's the little things. It's the little paper shops and antique books sellers in the back alleys. It's the male paramedic whom I saw the other night caressing the face of an African man (economic refugee, which the Italians don't like) who was unconscious on the pavement, the way that a mother would stroke a child's face.

Firenze is also the crazy street closures, and Italians having arguments with randomly dispersed policemen as to why they can't park in a particular location (Answer: the mayor decided that the centre would be prettier if they closed off this street from traffic today.).

Italian arguments are very amusing. My favourite ones are the ones over whether the pasta was prepared correctly. Did the cook put oil in then, or later? Should there have been oil? Which cheese was used? Did it come from the correct region? Should pepper really then have been added? And why isn't it a bit hotter? Is the polpete like mamma made?

On Wednesday, with Marco, it was "How could the waiter drop the most succulent piece of beef on the floor whilst cutting it off the bone (grilled bistecca fiorentina)?"

I love these arguments. They argue over food and parking the way that we only argue over politics and the constitution.

And somehow the rhythm of life seems just right.

Firenze is also the cool silence of the massive stone and marble churches, that have stood for, in some cases, 700 years. There's a reverberation of peace there that I don't know where else to find except in the deep woods. Do you know that I didn't even say a conscious prayer when I spent the morning in San Lor3nzo on Monday, and yet I had the distinct feeling from that moment on that the unconscious prayer that was never uttered was answered in full? I go back to San Lor3nzo again and again because in that church there is a fresco high in the ceiling of the astronomical sky on an exact day in 1442 (July 6). I love that idea. I can't get enough of that idea. The exact sky.

Those are tidbits. And let's not forget men in violet sweaters. There really is a God. :)

I should prepare for yoga, drink some coffee, and organize final tasks to do for the move. I just discovered via a map online, that the pickup for the van is not far away. C., if you can believe it, is going to a Hallowe'en party tonight, even though he's meant to help me move tomorrow morning. He'll be late. I'll start myself. Somehow I don't mind. I want him to be happy as I am.

A toast to the same old life, which is each day a new one.

Salute!

XO

9:08 a.m. - 2009-10-31

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