enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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And the sea wove and shone.

ARGH.

I'm up in the middle of the night. I'm a knot of anxiety and I simply cannot sleep.

Oddly enough, it is not at all about work. I suppose I should be grateful for that. But now I'm worrying that I will be too tired to work well tomorrow.

It's all of the other life stuff that has arisen, put on uniforms and started to march tonight, bayonets gleaming.

I said a prayer just a little while ago - I can't believe that I'm writing that - that I could find my compassion, patience and dignity again.

EEK. I do hope that that is possible.

Unfortunately, all I felt was silence echoing back to me. I hope that that will change.

Oh and I heard the Swedish overnight announcer on the radio. They always have such funny faux-British accents, these people on the overnight radio.

XO

I might as well say that I'm grateful for some things. Number one, that I'm OK in my job. Number two that I'm healthy. Number three that I'll get to do better tomorrow.

It's true - the present is something we very rarely truly visit. We think we do but when we actually begin to accept the present it's a little bit scary - it's ever changing. The only constant is change, after all.

Except when it comes to stubborn personality imperfections.

And what am I talking about the present for? I have a feeling that I'm stuck in the past. This, in spite of the fact that just this afternoon I was in the forest, dark and deep, so absorbed by the flowers and the scents that I nearly ran myself into a tree at one point.

3:00 a.m. - 2009-08-10

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