enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I have everything and yet...

You guys are rock stars!

I am not.

I've been very grumpy the last few days.

I will admit the truth: I am lonely.

There is no way to get around it.

I work all of the time. I AM making new friends. It is true. But you can't force intimacy. It takes time.....ARGHHHH

I'm so ready to be out and about and not sitting alone all of the time with my books.

I'm also having a really weird lead-up to my period. I had extreme breast pain on the left side last week (which my doc thought was referred pain from yoga neck cranking...and I think he was right - it's gone), and now nothing. I am not even bloated as usual. I know it's coming though because I actually bought a giant chocolate muffin today (and ate it). I can't stand muffins - greasy, sickeningly sweet. But still, I ate it! I hate to think of what it's doing to my arteries!

Fortunately, C.'s mood seems to have improved lately. I think it might be because he's started dating a girl. It doesn't seem to me that it's a very good match, but you just never know. So I am happy for him.

The point of this is that C. offered me up two options tonight: 1) watch a documentary on the Iraq war; or 2) go cycling. I thought that both were very thoughtful, given that I told him last night how sad I was feeling about spending so much time alone.

In the end, C. preferred the idea of going cycling, so I was very pleased to get on my super Bluey bicycle and ride up to a big lake in the Gatineau Hills. It's a strange, green lake (with no oxygen near the bottom, which is why it is emerald green), in the middle of the forest. It was just what the doctor ordered. C. even smiled during the ride (several times!). And as I coasted back down the big hills, a huge pack of extremely, extremely hot cycling dudes soared past me.

So even if I don't have a dude in my life, I can enjoy some very attractive ones vicariously. In all frankness, if I got any closer to them and any of them opened their mouths, the magic would likely be gone. :)

Yes, a nice end to the day.

On the way back we rode along the Ottawa River and I saw a lovely pink sunset. The bridges were glowing and flocks of Canada geese spotted the orange and pink bits in the sky. I was eating bugs like crazy but meh...protein!

I feel as though I'm becoming a bit of a weekend warrior though - one of the best bits for me of riding tonight was getting to wear my Giro D'Italia jersey. I used to (secretly) make fun of people like that. Now I'm one of them.

Ah whatever. Let's hope I lose this edge sometime.

I'm off on a pleasure hunt. Every night must be a night of pleasure pursuit, else this loneliness thing is really going to get to me. Count your blessings if you have family around you. And do you know what else? I decided today that I'm not going to feel guilty about buying a few clothes, like that dress. If I have to be lonely and working like a dog and not spending any money on anything else...I'm going to give myself pleasure with the occasional beautiful thing. So what. Really.

XO!

You know, sometimes lately when I'm sitting at work I see my dad's face - young, as it was when I was about twelve (he would have been thirty-seven). And I smile when I see his youthful face in my head and think that line from my favourite Auden poem (Since): "You as you then were."

9:29 p.m. - 2009-07-28

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