enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It's a very, very bumpy road. And I walked the three miles in heels... OUCH

I know I'm going to regret writing this..

C. took me out to a "hillbilly" concert. The music was actually good but the people who had invited him were 26 and I just wasn't into it. In the intermission I was standing around the corner and I found that the tears started and wouldn't stop. So I came home.

I feel badly. I keep on having images of those few wonderful days and nights with Marco - out laughing, cycling, eating good food, drinking good wine, talking about art, feeling like my whole self.

And here I am in a culture in which people go out in clothes that look like pyjamas or track suits! Or stand in front of me in their trashy miniskirts and heels and don't even think that they might be blocking my view. And I'm drinking cheap wine served in a juice glass.

I know that that's lame - it's the affection that I miss. It's the feeling that I can be myself with someone.

Here I feel so alone. I know I'm not alone. C. was trying to help me. But I have nothing in common with his friends. I just don't fit in here. I don't fit in. And I'm old.

OK. Tomorrow is another day. I will sleep. I will permit myself to cry as much as I want. I will do some work. And I will go back to work on Monday and just keep my head down until this goes away. There has to be a reason why things have been dangled in front of me even though I can't have them. There has to be a reason. And I have to cope with the lack of them.

My mother used to always recite, "Good things come to those who wait." I always thought that that was bullshit. What do you think? (Hoping she meant patience, here. ;-)). XO Sleep well!

12:25 a.m. - 2009-06-06

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