enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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pros cons

Hello, Dolls!

Well, VD ended not badly. We went to the concert. IT was enjoyable, only not as enjoyable as last week's. This is because it was very full and we had to stand the whole time, and not against the bar. By the end I was tired.

It gets very tiring when you only have one arm that has to do all of the heavy lifting of your beer for you.

So BoXx noted me yesterday that she loves Valentine's Day because her mom used to make it special for her, given that her birthday is in the proximity. That got me to thinking. For sure, I don't make a big deal of any holidays, in part because I wasn't brought up to do so. Even our birthdays didn't get much attention from my mom. Some, for sure, but from ten on, probably none.

Actually, I must admit that no one has ever done much of anything for me for Valentine's Day that I can remember. My boyfriend Andrew was very romantic and did all sorts of speecial things for me, so that seems surprising. Perhaps it's because I told him not to do something. It's always rather bothered me, the idea of spending lots of money on flowers and going out to a restaurant at the same time as lots of other people. Maybe this is because I don't like to do things at the same time as everyone else, or maybe it's because I'm practical and don't like buying things at inflated prices. More likely it is that I have had that feeling for a long time that I am not worthy of special treatment. I am not blaming my mother here, but you know what I mean. It is definitely true that I grew up never thinking that I deserved extra special attention.

SO that has changed, non? At least it has in the sense that I do nice things for myself!!

The more important revelation from this is that I am going to start doing more special things for other people. I do always make nice dinners and things for C., to celebrate his accomplishments, but I'm thinking that I should put my general enthusiasm to good work and start decorating things like crazy and making cakes with his name written all over them. That stuff doesn't come naturally to me as it wasn't learned, but I suppose I can learn it!

Better late than never.

So really, though, in the end, being out at a bar with all of the hugging romantic people last night was a little bit depressing. I know - must remind myself that a LOT of people are in "security" relationships, because they're too afraid to be alone or to seek something better.

But...

Well, no but. It was still fun. I'm a gigantic fan of oatmeal stout. I don't even know what brand was the beer. It was delicious.

I'm right now cleaning up, doing the laundry (fresh sheets - love!). I lay in bed this morning, enjoying the extended rest, and listening to the radio. There was a big piece on women's issues, women in relation to the economic downturn, etc. A lot of the work that I have done in the past has had to do with women in relation to the economy, so it got me thinking again about my future job, future role.

The Ph.D. thesis that I would be revising is all about women in the North American economic context (which, as you can guess, made me very popular in an economics department...not).

That's fine. I suppose what it got me thinking of again is the whole Foreign Affairs thing. I really don't want to go to the interview, as I don't want to be confronted with that choice, this year. It's actually not a very friendly department for women, for a variety of reasons.

I'm really meandering here. It's partly that the typing is sufficiently difficult with my arm that I can't be bothered to go into the details.

Ah well, I guess i'll figure it out. I feel badly that it is getting close to the date and I still have not canceled the interview.

Somehow I have a feeling that I might end up an academic. Perhaps I'll consult for the government on issues pertaining to the status of women. Perhaps I'll end up in Parliament. Believe it or not, I'm rather serious about these suggestions. They would not be out of the question. I wish I knew. I must, still, wait in patience for things to become clear to me. I'm doing some of the work.

I just deleted a bunch of stuff about celebrating your successes. Suggestion: Celebrate your successes, however, small, to support and motivate those to come in the future. :)

10:47 a.m. - 2009-02-15

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