enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Desiderata in actual life this time.

What another wonderful day!

I have been waiting for this feeling of determination and commitment for quite some time. It's what I've missed since I stopped pursuing my running goals.

The feeling is probably unhealthy, as I'm supposed to be cultivating *wants* and *pleasures* when rather I'm excited about things that in fact amount to potential future accomplishments.

But the thing is that there is pleasure for me in these things. I can't stand to not be engaged and pushing myself to do new things and to be my best.

I suppose I shall have to forgive myself for this. I'll chat with the counselor about this tonight, for sure.

In any event, I feel great.

The other day - I can't remember the context - I was listening to some woman talking about people being sold a message that this and that will make them happy, when really there are only two things that make people happy, and those have always been the same two things: 1) good relationships; and 2) having a purpose/doing something worth doing in the world.

So I think that that's it. I was thinking about this last night, and I realized that I have both of those. I certainly have good relationships. I just don't have the traditional relationships of a mother and father and a husband and wife in my life. So that's all. But all of the friends I've ever considered to be friends have stayed with me forever. I feel very close to a number of people. They trust and respect me in return. So it's all good.

I also get along with and work well with everyone at work and in my daily life, even though I might not necessarily connect with or even like many of them. That's never really something that has worried me much. And apart from a few moments with the senior economist and worrying about my boss's opinions of me, I haven't lost any sleep about these things. Incidentally, I realized today the degree to which the bastard economist has been stealing my ideas - he represented one of my major modeling ideas as his own in a meeting today - so I'm starting to push back. I literally stepped up today and said, "That's a suggestion that I made to him yesterday based on..." He didn't try to change his story, since he knew that he'd been caught and confronted red handed. I had thought it best to play along with him and play nice, but I realize that it's worth the risk to take the space to be myself.

This sounds like a "me" rationalization, but I don't know. I think it's important to recognize what is working.

I dropped by the grocery store after work. Good lord do I ever not like Friday night grocery shopping. That's a special kind of punishment.

:)

I'm going to take my skates with me I think to the appointment at the doctor's, so that I can skate home along the canal. The skate was lovely last night and it remains warm tonight.

What else? I know that there was something else.

I'm still feeling very open and free about the Italy in May decision. I'm definitely going to leave it for a while and will figure it out at that time. It could go either way. It's all fluid. No worries.

For now, I'm going to focus on pleasure here. I'm going to go to an interesting film about Afghanistan tomorrow night, and then later to a concert. I'm also going to have K and P and W. over to skate either tomorrow or Sunday. I bought hot chocolate ingredients.

Otherwise, I'm going to do a wee bit of reading for work this weekend. I had a great meeting today about a major project that we are going to work on with an academic outside of the department (as a consultant). I'm pretty excited about this project as it is very, very important for analysis of a large labour income base. I think it could be a great effort.

Desiderata:

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Also, this weekend I am going to research profs to contact re. the History Ph.D. I'm also going to buy a pink skirt. I don't know why. I just want to. :)

6:21 p.m. - 2009-01-30

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