enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Stuck.

You know, I just went down to take out the garbage.

And I saw people walking by in the autumn sunlight who looked genuinely happy to be here, happy to live here.

A car pulled up and pulled into the driveway of the old house across the street. The car had bicycles packed on the back. They were probably returning from their cottage.

Everything was incredibly idyllic. I couldn't help thinking that so many people would give their eye teeth to live here. And here I am loathing it. And feeling achingly lonely.

And I don't know what I was saying about not wanting drinking buddies. Hell, I like a drink as much as the next person! It's just that I don't want THOSE drinking buddies, who will just sit around talking about work, the hockey scores, and competing as to who has the biggest tv. It makes me want to crawl into a hole.

I can't help wondering though if all of this malaise that I feel is simply my own fault. Maybe if I'd gone to the writers fest today or to the opening at the art gallery today I would have met interesting people. If I put in more effort perhaps this place could come alive for me, in spite of its ugliness.

I'm just so afraid to quit my job. And to lose my pension. It's like then I would be living up to everything that my mother and my other relatives have always said about me: that I'm flakey and not normal.

I'm really afraid to choose.

I think I need to find a counselor. OY. Finding a good one is so difficult. And I also have to somehow manage to get a doctor's note when my doctor has gone AWOL.

Really, I think I need more of a "life" coach. I wish that they weren't so expensive...

I'm not going to solve this today, I know. Yet another day of sitting around in my apartment stewing. Though I did listen to a nice interview with an Irish playwright, and I made some chicken stock for soup tonight. Small achievements to tick off the list. I can't beat myself up yet again.

4:41 p.m. - 2008-10-19

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