enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary
"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's all work. I'm still up. It has been a horrible day. I just made some squash soup. Comfort food. And ate some other things. I just thought I'd pop in to note that I really don't expect anyone to read my drivel. I would write here even if no one read my thoughts. I need to write out what I'm feeling, so that I can sort through problems and start to break patterns. In all honesty, I'm quite discouraged about it at the moment. I had thought that I was making progress, but things lately have been telling me that I have not come far. There are two primary recent comments that have illuminated this for me. The first is that M. pegged in me that I am incredibly self-critical, and that I think too much about other people. He made me sound insecure and pathetic when he said this, even though he didn't mean it in that way, and I felt so sad because I hadn't realized that I had revealed that to HIM, too. The second thing is that my colleague tonight basically recoiled in horror at how low my self-confidence seems to be. And again, I had thought that I had gained some ground. Spelled out, it seems not. I wish I could snap my fingers and be someone different. I have said that a million times and it remains true. I keep on hoping and hoping and yet I don't seem to gain ground. And I keep on writing this to myself without being able yet to be convincing. Hmm... Well, it seems that sleep is in order, so that I don't completely bungle tomorrow's work. ! 12:17 a.m. - 2008-10-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ||||||
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