enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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A bit untalented, am I. Apology for the rant about the se here. I really should restrain myself. I'm feeling guilty. Not good. Next entry I will try to find some photos.

I must admit that I have a bit of a headache.

I also was a little bit snippy today with the senior economist. I really feel badly when I behave not like myself, but this guy really, REALLY pushes my buttons.

He totally deserved it but I should have restrained myself, particularly since I think that perhaps a couple of indirect colleagues got the gist. I wouldn't want to be thought of as unprofessional or impatient - they don't know enough of me or of him to know the degree that he heaps things on me.

I was thinking a bit about this just now, in that one of the things that I know about myself is that I'm incredibly slow to anger. On the other hand, if you push me too far over a significant period of time...really, I will blow.

Today was a bit like that. It was a bunch of little things that added up to I CAN'T STAND THIS MAN. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO ME CHOMPING ON HIS MUFFIN AND MOVING AROUND AND POSTURING AND GENERALLY ANNOYING ME.

We were on training at the statistics agency today. And he is indeed MUCH more experienced at this kind of programming than I am. In fact, coding is pretty much the only thing that this guy does well. And I give him credit for being very good at it.

So today was going to be a difficult day for me, because everyone there was much more senior and much more experienced at working with both this model and the programming techniques. Also, I don't learn programming well in a classroom but rather on my own by practising. It takes me longer but once I"ve figured things out I tend to know more of the details and also I don't forget them...

SO first, the stupid se interrupted my conversation with another colleague about my possible concussion. (Feeling fine today, don't worry. :))

And then he said, "We're going to have to wrap you up with bubble wrap before you can bike."

Yeah. Thanks. That's helpful. He said it as in the way of, "You're a stupid child and can't look after yourself. Unlike me, as I am the studly man."

Particularly since I've never fallen off my bike I was annoyed. Normally a comment like that would have rolled off of me, but I could tell that I was near to snapping because I almost...snapped.

Basically what happened later on in the day was that he was showing off and being loud and obnoxious and said something that he always says to me to show off: "I guess I'm weird because I'm fascinated with this stuff." (Read: Aren't I incredible. Look at how quickly I programmed my output. Puff. Puff.)

He did this after trying to show two other people what to do on something, yelling across the room. He didn't try to show me anything - smart move - but he made it very clear that he also wouldn't help me if I wanted help, or that he would humiliate me if I were to ask. He wouldn't even give me the proper password, failing to tell me which letters were upper case. Of course he helped the colleague who was also new to the training and who came in late. Sooo....I had to ask the teacher for help and the teacher is generally completely lacking in social skills and so he too made me feel like an idiot.

All in all who cares, but I really can't stand being in a roomful of people without tact.

So listening to the senior economist mouthing off I whispered something under my breath to the effect of, "No, you're just showing off."

Yeah. I know. I shouldn't have done it. I should have left the room. I think he might have heard me.

He is more than I can endure though. Really, more than I can endure. I'm going to have to sit down with him on Monday and ask him to please leave me alone, unless he needs to work with me directly on something. I find his personal remarks and his general irrelevant interuptions of me - not to mention his boasting - too much to bear.

ANd you know, I know that he's doing it because on some level he knows that he can't compete with me. When it comes to anything of substance to do with theory or policy or...hell, whatever is going on in the news...he is completely brainless. He also can't write his way out of a wet paper bag.

Today the teacher was talking about N3wfoundland changing its growth rate in the model (the government that is), and he exclaimed "Newfoundland. Why Newfoundland. What a joke."

If he had actually read the paper once in...oh the last few years...he would know that Newfoundland grew well last year and is expected to change in its equalization position.

But all this guy is interested in is doing mindless coding. And of course after I said, "It makes perfect sense," he drowned me out with, "Oh yes, oh yes. Very good economy. Oil." (Well, at least he remembered that part or guessed luckily at it.)

ANyhow. Enough of my rant about that idiot. Really, I had to write it down to remind myself to turn the other cheek. Or whatever. It's not worth it to make myself look like an unpleasant person by reacting to him. I need to be completely neutral and mellow around him. I just need to go about my business and my value will eventually be revealed.

Actually, I wrote a note that only has my name on it and that went up to the top today. It got signed off really quickly and - now I'm going to start feeling sick, my skin crawling :) - the comment from above said: "Great note! Only we might worry that this makes the lovernment look so good that the opposition is going to come back with a dark counter example."

Yeah, really. It is true. This makes me KNOW that I need to change jobs. :)

I feel badly about the senior economist interaction today. I hate losing my temper at work, damaging relationships. I do have to work with the guy. Too bad that he's so annoying.

So I'm going to try not to beat myself up too much over this, and I'm going to go to the office and start fresh on Monday, try not to feel too badly. This is all a learning experience, and it is going to help me to eventually get on the right path.

Oh! I'm not going to do anything this weekend - just lay low and potentially go to a francophone music festival tomorrow night. I really do think that I'm going to be OK - I feel OK, really. I promise to go to the hospital or to a clinic if anything changes. Super C. is back from a conference tomorrow night. He has been checking in on me regularly. He will take care of me when he gets back.

So, that's all. No! As usual, there is more! My hand has improved markedly. Really, I am AMAZED. It is much, much better. The cuts are much worse on that hand than on the other and so the swelling around those seems to have been the cause of the earlier pain. The cuts are quite clean and things seem to be healing up well. Today though some guy warned me that I had chocolate all over my hand and that I was going to ruin my skirt. Oops! Cuts!

I know that there is something else...I rented three movies! Special movies! Oh, I'm also trying to decide whether I should get a few blonde highlights. Totally vain, I know. My hairdresser is always trying and I always resist, but then looking at my childhood photos I see that I was actually pretty much a blonde when I was a baby. I've always understood that people who were blonde as babies look good blonde. I would never go blonde, but just a few highlights might make my hair less mousy?

Vanity. Vanity! Stop.

Oh! In good news, I got both a sweet note from M. today (I wrote back and told him about my accident- oops), and also went to the bank to find that my tax refund came in and it was HUGE. I really don't know what on earth they are giving me credit for - probably my employer reported too little tax paid (I had wondered about this) - for my refund is DOUBLE what I was expecting. (And the original refund was going to pay for my Italy trip.) So that's good. I can register for the BI course without hesitation. :)

7:16 p.m. - 2008-06-13

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