enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Be careful what you wish for...

Thank you again, so much, Blighty, Fifi and Swimmmer for your incredibly thoughtful and intelligent notes. They made me feel so happy and grateful this morning. I respect your opinions and appreciate so much that you would provide them to me, especially so kindly.

From Eat, Pr@y, Love:

Ketut said he could answer my question with a picture. He showed me a sketch he�d drawn once during meditation. It was an androgynous human figure, standing up, hands clasped in prayer. But this figure had four legs, and no head. Where the head should have been, there was only a wild foliage of ferns and flowers. There was a small, smiling face drawn over the heart.

�To find the balance you want,� Ketut spoke through his translator, � this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it is like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God.�

So I totally misquoted the thing, and swimmmer and I could debate it until we're blue in the face :), but I still take from it what I did before. That is, that doing this in terms of the way that I think about making choices is the way to go.

So...

Today was a scary day.

Scary because I emailed that woman who wanted to hire me, wanted me to apply for her competitions...and without telling me she trotted off and spoke to her senior director. About an hour later I got an email: "My director knows all about your work from other directors who rave about you, and without even meeting you he wants to HAVE YOU DEPLOYED TO US IMMEDIATELY."

!!!!

So, I can't really explain how it works, but since I am a permanent government employee I can be what is called "deployed" from department to department, of course only if someone offers me a job. Normally people move by winning a competition. Winning a competition is better in that usually people go for competitions that increase their salaries.

But if I go there now on a deployment I can apply for the upcoming competitions and increase my salary at that time. I'd probably win the competitions given that I would already have experience there. AND they want to hire me.

So I told her that I could not pull the rug out from under my boss. I would need at least six weeks. I have my big meeting with him on Monday. That will reveal all. I will know what I want to do. I really don't know if he can say anything to keep me there.

Of course in the odd, ridiculous way in which the world works...all sorts of senior people were really nice to me today. I have this weird feeling that they know that I want to leave, and maybe they are feeling badly. I mean, I got this GUSHING email from this one guy today. Of course I do have an nice Italian tan, fluffy hair, and I am wearing a pink top with a sash and silver (yes, silver!) fine, sparkly stripes in it. HA. :)

But the way that I figure things is this: Sure, going to the other department is a step down in prestige.

However, the woman who wants to hire me is a good researcher and has a PhD in Economics. She is no slouch. She has published some good papers. In fact, I really like this woman because she is a multi-dimensional person - writes, does art, is a mother, rides horses. We've known each other since 1994 when we did a Master's degree together.

The thing about my last department is that it attracts the people who are smart but who are not STEPFORD people.

This is good.

The department suffers from really bad management in a range of places, but, well, I guess I have to ask the question: horrible stomach aches and status, or fun times, interesting files and a more relaxed work life.

Plus, my goodness, they actually have DAYLIGHT in their offices.

NO MORE GREY TWEED, PLEASE.

Anyhow. I haven't decided yet. Monday will reveal some details. It is a major career decision, since leaving so soon from this more prestigious department will look weird. I don't want to look emotionally weak or something.

But I guess the question is as follows: Do I care that much about my career?

I wish I could give a fair answer to that question. I mean, the truth is NO. But I do fear that this is partly tinted by my idealism. And that is not good. I like independence but I don't like self-sabotage. And let's be honest - and you won't be surprised to hear this, you diary-readers :) - although I don't usually act until I am nearly dead from the stress, I tend to come to conclusions about things very emotionally and rashly. Or at least I have a natural inclination to do so. Hence the waffling back and forth in terms of mood and sadness and happiness. I am a very emotional person, even though this doesn't appear on the visible surface, necessarily. My thinking boat is often steered by my emotions. And then my thinking ego tries to wrestle back the wheel from the emotional sailor. All told it usually turns into a manic high-seas battle with pirates and lost teeth and moonshine spilled and imbibed and all.

So I've got to think.

I think that that's all I'm going to say about that. I almost booked the plane ticket this morning! But then I looked at the distance of Malpensa from Milan (45 km), thought of the logistics of getting there and getting to the airport - I'd probably end up spending a fortune on a taxi from Florence or something stupid like that, so as to not have to go a day early to Milan and take an hour-long shuttle to the airport - and realized that it is worth spending a couple hundred more and getting a direct flight to Florence. Plus, I can wait to see if other flight deals come up in the next couple of months. My targeted travel dates are mid-September to end September!

I AM GOING TO GO!!!! I really am. If I change jobs I will need approval too, though.

SO yet another interesting thing happened today. A guy in another branch was telling me that a woman in my department co-owns an APARTMENT in FLorence. Isn't that divine? I could see myself doing that.

OH! One final thing happened today that was wonderful. I had lunch with my friend M. (the French former mushroom picker one). She told me some interesting things about her relationship with her parents (resolved but not good - parents not nice), and she really understood the things that I told her about my job, Marco, etc. It was lovely. We had an hour lunch. I never take a lunch like that! Actually, I never usually take lunch! I just left the office! (But then I stayed late to compensate...I know, I have a guilt problem.)

Anyhow......The first thing that she said when she saw me (not knowing that I'd just talked to the woman about the job) is that I "look so zen."

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, no. The pirates inside of me are just starting their rumble. But still, yes. I look relaxed, anyhow. Pink is good for my mood. I wore a coral cashmere scarf with my jacket. It felt so good. OK. I think I should eat.

6:38 p.m. - 2008-05-23

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