enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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So people are predictable, I guess

Hello!

Yes, I woke up feeling rather depressed this morning. I don't feel like running, but I will probably force myself to do so.

I am probably just stressed because this is the first day that my boss is back. I always feel stressed around that guy, even though he is super-nice. He just makes me feel super-stupid and I hate that.

I also feel really, really guilty because I want to leave the job so badly, and I want to apply for a new job very soon. Yet, I am stuck - and it happened months ago - being sent to a conference and staying in an expensive hotel and everything from June 5- June 9 (Vancouver). :( I don't really want to go. Also, I have to go with the senior economist, who bores me.

Oh well, I will try not to feel too guilty about it. :(

So something weird happened. I don't think I mentioned it but when I was in Florence, on my birthday, I got an email out of the blue from my university boyfriend from nearly 15 years ago. He is a great guy - the kind of guy every girl should marry. I know that I broke his heart.

He was actually the first guy I traveled with (east asia and Australia, mid-1990s), and the first and only guy with whom i actually felt the *desire* to cheat (I NEVER would, but I admit that I felt attraction to other people when I was with him).

He is and was a lovely guy - athletic, smart, attentive, kind, adventurous.

But I never loved him. I wanted to love him. But I did not. I did not feel a spiritual, emotional, intellectual connection with him.

Story of my life, and why I feel as though it will be years before I meet someone with whom all of those criteria are met.

Anyone in her right mind would have married that guy. He asked. And I looked into his face - it was NYE and I'd had a few drinks, I regret - and realized in that instant that there was just no way.

He was another of the "shoulds" of my life. Kind of like economics. I knew that he was a good deal in so many ways. I dated him because I felt that any girl would be crazy not to date him. How horrible.

BUt I got out.

SO anyhow we occasionally exchange emails and in the late 1990s and early 2000s when he was in Ottawa for Ult!mate frisb33 tournaments we would get together for dinner, a walk, a chat. I knew that he had been dating a girl called S@mantha for a few years.

But he had never sent me a sappy birthday message or anything, and it has been a couple of years since we last spoke.

So C. and I speculated that he was married and was having a few feelings of nostalgia and wanted to prove to himself again that I am SO WRONG for him.

ANyhow. I emailed him back, didn't hear from him, and then two days ago I got a long note from him telling me about how he and S. are planning to marry in August, yadda yadda.

God I hope I never go through that - pining for someone else when you're getting married to someone.

Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it's a good deal to finish it off, seal your feelings in the past. I don't know. Maybe if I ever get married I'll think about Andrew, think about the thrill of having a moment with a guy like Marco, who represents in how he lives his life (just like English Andrew, the actor, really) everything that I have ever wanted to be and never will be - free, independent, outdoors, an artist.

Hmm...

Yeah. Kind of sad. Well if I'm ever going to run I should run.

And Fifi, you know, I really do want to find someone. Only someone who is truly my soulmate and who would never want me to compromise who I am, my exploration of myself and what I love in life. I would never settle like the poet scientist. So that makes me sad. I don't think that there are many men out there who would find me special. To top it off I don't think there are many with whom the feelings would be returned. So I fear that it will be years.

OH well. I should become a yuppie jogaholic.

7:31 a.m. - 2008-05-22

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