enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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plodding erasure! And the sun will come up tomorrow!

UGH. Each time I post something dreadful and self-loathing I feel inspired to "erase" it a few hours later and replace it with happy thoughts.

I should honestly have nothing but happy thoughts, truth be told.

When will I ever learn that if I am being pleasant and polite and generous and doing my job then other people's opinions of me truly do not matter?

And when will I realize that life is too short and a mile wide and an inch deep half of the time anyhow and so shrugging things off is important.

I ate good food today. My friend Claire is coming over for a drink and to go with me to the cocktail soiree with the nice women tomororow night. I am lucky to have such nice potential friends in my life. And although I have a cold coming on I will enjoy cycling tomorrow morning. The End.

For a change I should try to get a good night's sleep. UGH.

Sort of wish I'd gone out and splurged on a nice cocktail dress for the party tomorrow. At some point I really should splurge on a nice cocktail dress. Pondering.

I'm so dead beat - mentally, physically, spiritully. There's the project...

I'm falling into my old trap of feeling badly about myself - not so much as a mirror of what I am seeing in reactions to me - but because I feel stuck and frustrated at myself for being stuck. I should be able to get myself out and doing more activities, meeting more people, expanding my life. I talk and talk about this and yet I am as plodding and resistant as a mule. A mule, I say.

I am a mule.

I wait and wait for the "right" thing to come along. I must instead take more chances.

So there you go. There's so much more. I need to articulate it, but tomorrow. I chose to see the negative side of things in the party today; it's not all doom and gloom. Still, thank goodness it's over.

OK. I will sniffle my way to bed.

11:54 p.m. - 2007-12-14

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