enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm dressed to meet the Queen, in a strapless floral dress, matching gold shoes and a little cardigan. I had tea with old ladies this afternoon, which explains the outfit...

Oh, friends, I am PATHETIC.

I've seriously not been taking great care of myself lately. Thanks to Clausy and his able cooking and packing of healthy leftovers for lunches I did eat well early in the week. But I've had a few too many drinks in the last week (four last night), and generally haven't been running.

I do walk to and from work these days, briskly, which amounts to 40 minutes each way and which I suppose is some exercise.

So I had coffee with Larry today, in spite of the fact that I look awful and was feeling horribly hung over. I could tell that he was noticing that I did not look good, which hurt.

In a way I felt rebellious and satisfied with myself for not giving a ___ about meeting him in that way, but I was definitely too defensive with him. I suppose there was a part of me that wanted him to still need and want me. Clearly he does not. He hesitated at a few points and I think he was hesitating to tell me about a new girlfriend.

ACK. Why do I care? I still have feelings for him, even though I know that they are inappropriate, futile, stupid...

But you know what? I know myself much better than to say that I'm just lonely and am wearing rose-coloured glasses. I have real feelings for him and I did back in the winter as well. In spite of his simplicity, insufficiencies, criticisms of me, whatever...there's something in him that I find so very appealing.

But the thing is that I strongly suspect that what I like in him is something that I'd have to liken to potential. And you can't build a life or a relationship on potential. This is particularly true when it is potential that the person himself does not want to actualize.

ACK. I'm a moron.

And silly, young, Scottish genius wrote me a conciliatory note last night. Of course I realize that the motivation for it is that he's realizing that it's not particularly easy to find someone new and reasonably interesting to date...

Seriously, I want to hang my head in shame at the moment over my silly feelings...Up and down, back and forth.

Lonelines sucks. A sex-free life sucks.

ACKKKKKKKKKK. All I do is work. And obsess.

4:25 p.m. - 2007-05-19

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