enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I wish I could summon the energy to bake bread, buy cheese, watch a movie.

Oh goodness.

I was doing pretty well this morning. Since the early hours I have been cleaning and organizing my apartment, trying to make it look different than it did when he was last in it. Now, however, I'm feeling in the dumps again. So of course I came here to be my usually witty and interesting self! (Not so much.)

I know, it's ridiculous to pine for this guy...but I am doing so.

Incidentally, he responded to the late Friday email with a final "It's just too difficult with you" response.

I put up my posters for the first time. I'm still living somewhat like a student, with art posters accumulated through the years now encircling my living room. My mother once pointed out to me that all of my pictures are of women, something I'd never noticed. In many cases they are reading, though in others they are dancing or at the theatre. They are mostly in muted reds and golds and earthy greens. My mother once seemed to think that the fact that I have paintings generally of women only on my walls provided an opportunity for her to ask me if I might be gay. (Since I can't or won't find myself a husband I must be gay! Of course!) At any rate, the posters make the apartment look less white. :)

This morning I realized that I was operating under the delusion that he would come back. And then the realization washed over me that he probably will *never* come back at this point.

ARGH. WHY do I care?

I did the right thing. I told him that I didn't want to continue seeing him with the relationship as it was. It wasn't good for me. It wouldn't be good for me.

Enough of that. I wish I could energize myself to skate, work, anything. I'm pleased with the results of the apartment cleaning.

I'm usually a girl in such high spirits. Why cannot I return to this state of being, post haste?

I haven't eaten since Friday, I realize just now. I've not actually eaten much all week. That might explain the feeling of weekness and lethargy that has overtaken me. :)

That's a lie. I ate an avocado yesterday, I believe, on the end of a loaf of brown bread, and followed it up with an apple. It's no wonder that my jeans are falling off my hips.

I returned a pair of jeans to the store yesterday. I have a monumental jeans-buying struggle. The three pairs of jeans that I am wearing these days are each at least four years old. One pair really shouldn't be pubicly aired. I just can't seem to find jeans that I find flattering and that don't cost a fortune. I refuse to pay $200 for a pair of jeans. I mean, I suppose there is some logic to paying a heap of money for something you will feel comfortable in and wear for five years, say. Still, I cannot bring myself to do it.

So I returned the pair of jeans (skinny jeans, bought on an early-breakup whim...and never a good idea, what was I thinking?) and on the way through the mall to the closest entrance to home bought a dress at half the price. It's a medium sea blue-green wrap dress in a light knit and with a long sash that wraps around the middle. It's quite flattering; I knew at the price and given how great it looked on me that I had to buy it. At the same time, buying it gave me no pleasure. I hate buying stuff, particularly when I know that I am trying to fill an empty place in my being.

I'm a sad sack--many apologies! Things would have improved this weekend had my 1) first shift at the food bank not been canceled on account of a group change; 2) my friend not canceled our morning snowshoeing plans on account of a cold.

I was listening to a piece on the radio this morning about rates of representation of women in the national political systems of various developed and developing countries. Interesting stuff. Costa Rica ranks 3rd and Argentina 9th in the world for representation in Congress or Parliament. Canada ranks 47th (with a 20% female Parliament) and the U.S. 66th (with something like 16% of of Congress seats filled by women).

An interesting discussion ensued about whether or not it's a supply-side problem or a demand-side problem. The consensus is that it's mostly a demand side problem, and fairly strongly related to the type of electoral system that you have (which Claus has been saying for years). The bottom line solution seems to be simple: legislate that parties must run a certain percentage of female candidates, and ensure that they are evenly distributed across strong and weak electoral districts for that party (i.e. women can't simply be dumped into ridings in which the party in question has little hope of being elected).

Apparently it's a fact that in the last Finnish national election, the TOP FOUR presidential candidates were women.

Interesting.

Incidentally, if you need another reason to dislike the Conservative Party of Canada, only 8% of their candidates in the last federal election were women.

Personally though I do think that there is a little bit of a supply-side problem in Canadian politics. Canadian politics is not remotely sexy or compelling (and full of b@stardly blokes). That said, the (foolish) idealist in me is strongly attracted to the idea of eventually running for office. Believe it or not.

I'm meandering. I'm currently listening to Life for R3nt, whilst hungrily slurping some pesto-laden pasta (all I could find in the house other than canned tomoatoes...must shop later). It's not helping. I should put in something else. I bought a new Nor@h Jon3s cd, on the basis of the song "Thinking of You." In my defence, I was not thinking of a parting of ways at the time. I have no idea if the cd is any good. Meh. She's wearing a black and white striped dress on the cover that looks quite nice, until she stands up and you see that the mid-section of the front of the dress is cut out to give the top a separate bra/swim top appearance. Not a good look, in my humble opinion.

I'm really rambling these days. I know that in a few days--maybe weeks--I'll be looking back and chastising myself for being so foolish as to have wasted so much of my life and energy on this guy. Right now though it smarts. It really smarts.

1:46 p.m. - 2007-02-18

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