enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Confused, befuddled, muddled, but still smiling.

So I realize that I have said I'd write and not done so. I've been busy. Short version: I'm still drifting through my relationship trial period, and I'm preparing for interview season. I feel I should be doing more. Actually, I should be doing more: taking a course, drawing, perhaps joining a running club.

I began coaching my first athlete to run a marathon. She is not a talented athlete but a committed one. I'm rather excited about this. I have a suspicion that--as much as I enjoy running with men--my metier will be the coaching of women. Time will tell.

Quick relationship update: I'm still slogging along and enjoying his company, but much as he wants to see me all the time I have no other indication that he is crazy about me. I just don't get the warmth or whatever I am supposed to get from him. I've received advice that I should make myself much less available to him, and perhaps that is true. I'm simply resistent to anything that smacks of a game or a manipulation. And the thing is that I spend three or more nights--at least--a week alone or with friends, so I don't feel as though I'm always available. I have a life; this life is gradually getting richer in this new town.

I guess if I were to sum it up I would have to say that it could go either way. The more that I get to know him I become certain that there are many, many layers underneath the surface that could interest me. The best part is that he seems to have become engaged in my interests, thereby reinforcing them in me. I've started reading more, for example. I'm reading much more non-fiction and news than I have in a long time. I feel reinvigorated. And I get the sense that he is enjoying the reengagement too.

I simply don't know what is going on in his head, in his heart. I could fall for him at this juncture, I think, but I am concerned that he is unwilling yet to take the same leap. I worry that I have met all of the checklist criteria that he has to become an insta-mate, but somehow he is unable to understand all of my charms. :) Or maybe he is simply frightened of the process. Either way, I am not worried...for some reason. I suspect that this is because I realize that if he decides that I am not the girl for him he will be doing me a favour. Likewise, lengthy deliberation will provide me with more security should he decide to truly open himself up to me.

So human beings are complex. Funny how much of a discovery this seems to me! (I'm understanding these days why so many people remark to me that I am a relatively open book.)

I suppose, given the above, it is not difficult to see why this guy has remarked repeatedly that I am too rational. It would almost seem at times as though he is trying to tell that his reluctance is a result of the fact that I am too pragmatic to be willing to fall.

Primary condition of hesitation in my own life: I still need to secure a permanent job.

Don't touch the blood:

I witnessed a terrifying event last night. Well in fact I witnessed only the fleeting after-seconds of a disturbing event. A homeless native woman was beaten by two homeless native men outside the tiny supermarket at which I was shopping. All I saw was the aftermath (the two men running away), and a semi-conscious woman bleeding copiously from her face onto the sidewalk. As I brought her towels and was tempted to embrace her and wipe and press her wounds, a kind stranger passing by reminded me-in the nick of time-- to not touch the blood. Frankly it had not occurred to me. I saw this woman bleeding and I wanted to piece her back together.

So the ambulance came and the police did not. The woman was cared for and seemed to be in reasonable shape as I left. I was shaken though. Much as working right next to the lower East side of Vancouver provided me with more experience than I truly need in this area, whenever I see a vulnerable woman like that I can't help but reverse my mind through the terrible trajectory of horror that got her there. It's such a monumental--beyond monumental--task we put before such people who have so little capital--financial or invested human--to find and travel a path to a different life.

I was thinking about her again this morning, as I sat on a comfy leather sofa in my boyfriend*'s (*I use this word with hesitation, given the undefined nature of the relationship, and only for convenience) apartment, watching the news as he insisted that he be permitted to cook for me, awaiting my tasty and artfully arranged breakfast. I thought of her as I lay in bed in the middle of the night beside said gentle man, thinking that in my entire life I have only ever been hit on one occasion (apart from a few brief spankings by my parents, and the occasional belt from my younger brother), and that by a man unknown to me who had broken into my apartment. I have lived on a relative pedestal.

So there I am. Here I am.

The man I am dating also took me to IK3A today. I, too, am not a huge IK3A person. I bought a few items as part of a plan that I have to create more permanence for myself by choosing to live more permanently; I'll admit that my digs have of late remained very student-like. This is in part because I left most of my decent furniture behind with C. in Montreal, since I did not wish him to have to buy new things during the tail end of his PhD, and given that I knew that my parents had all sorts of available old junk in their garage. :)

I must run. I've promised to watch 24, although I am not keen on tv. I actually have an academic paper that I need to review and summarize tonight, so I'll have to do each with half an eye. Thank goodness that we women have integrated brains (she says, thinking wishfully).

Ciao!

PS May be making a trip with a friend and visiting Italian researcher to New York the first weekend of February. Top picks of anything (food, vintage or bargain shopping, cool and different) always welcome. :) I feel fortunate that A. is offering accommodation to us, although I have no idea exactly where he is located--a small number W I think on 73rd?

6:26 p.m. - 2007-01-14

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